It’s a brand new day and the sun is high

I was kind of lame and didn’t even make it until midnight for the first time in several years. Um, oops. Oh well. I hope that lameness doesn’t last into the new year. 😉

I like to reflect on New Years, and what all went down in the previous year. I transferred out of a school that was a living hell for me and I had back surgery. People I loved died. My mom, whom I have virtually no contact with, got diagnosed with a form of cancer. I had many health struggles and many friendship difficulties. I got my official eating disorder DX. I’ve been fighting my insurance. So much has hit the fan this year.

I made new friends, made other friendships stronger, and lost some friendships. But I did learn many things this past year:

1. To quote the Fray: “Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.”
2. Sometimes, we have to man up (woman up) and do what is emotionally painful and has dire consequences, just because it’s the right thing.
3. We shouldn’t let petty fights end friendships that one were once beautiful, because life is fragile and we don’t know when that person will die. Petty fights aren’t worth being immature over.
4. I’m learning more about cooking gluten free food. Sometimes it tastes awesome and I make seconds, other times it tastes awful and I have to choke it down. 😉
5. Sometimes, taking a scary plunge into a new horizon is the best possible choice.

Old stuff: some old NYE/New Year’s Day Posts:

December 31, 2005:
2005. It’s almost over.

I’m filled with memories by it. Some good, some bad. This year is one to remember, for sure. My entire life changed this year. Everything changed. Is there a better hope for next year? Is there a better life next year? I hope so.

I mean, this year, I turned 18. Of course, it wasn’t the best birthday, I can only hope my birthday in 2006 will be better. I changed schools, I moved, so much changed.

Will two thousand and six be better?”

January 1, 2006:

“Sometimes I wish it was easier. I wish I could just trust in God. I wish I could just love Him, but I don’t know that I can. I don’t know what I want with my life anymore.

I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know where I want to turn. I don’t know where I want to go. I don’t know what to do with all these feelings bubbling up inside of me.

I don’t know what to do with this bitterness. I don’t know what to do with this hatred. I don’t know what to do with this pain, what to turn it into, what to channel it to.

I don’t know what to do with this feeling of not being good enough. I don’t know what to do with thse memories. I can’t just shove them aside, after all.

I don’t know what to do with the past. I don’t know what to do with it. I know I need to learn from it, but I don’t know what to do with it. I just don’t know anything anymore.

I don’t know where I need to turn. I don’t know what I need to do. I just know..that I need help.”

2012, please don’t suck.

Dear 2012,
Please kick my ass and make up for all the crapiness I dumped.
Love, 2011.

Sometimes you just gotta buckle down

People have often told me they don’t understand how I do it.
How I went gluten free on a tight budget.
How I stay in school with all my health problems.
How I function on my own.
How I make ends meet each month.

The thing is I haven’t done anything special. I’m not anyone special, I’m just your average 24 year old who loves Sims and Pokemon, anime and manga, the colour orange, monkeys and elephants, you get the picture. And the thing is before I had to do it, I thought I couldn’t do it.

The truth is when you find yourself in difficult circumstances, you somehow find the strength to carry on. When you see others in dire places and think “Wow, I could never do that” the truth is when push comes to shove and it’s your only option, you just buckle down and do it. It’s not easy. It’s painful. It sucks. It’s difficult.

But I’m not a superhuman because I am where I am now. Because I stay in school with mostly decent grades (adol psych will come up!), because I live on a small budget, because I do so much myself.

Truth is I don’t know how I do it, and some days I doubt that I can keep doing it.

An elephant never forgets

I like elephants. That’s a bit of an understatement, I love elephants. I also love monkeys, but that’s for another post. Well, I’m wearing a monkey t-shirt but the picture angle kind of hides it.

Elephants. An elephant never forgets, they say. A Nora never forgets, either. It in some ways a cool quality I have, I remember when my friends mention wanting something badly, and I try to make it happen for presents. I remember old nicknames and inside jokes. But at the same time, I remember old hurts, old aches, old pains. I don’t forget easy, and it’s hard because so many things I’d just rather forget. I’d rather forget how much pain I’ve been through and I’d rather forget where I’ve been. But forgetting the bad and remembering the good would hardly do me any good. It would only cause further pain.

But oh how I dream.
How I wish that I could just let go of all these things that have hurt me. And only remember the good.

“You can go on living as long as your heart believes,
although the scars of yesterday remain,
let’s stay together always.”

The scars will remain, both physical and emotional. The scars won’t fade, but it doesn’t mean I can’t go on living and hoping and wishing and dreaming.