i need some distraction, oh beautiful release

i hate how i’m feeling lately.
i don’t know that it’s depression. i’m not sad. i’m not sad, no, not really. sadness isn’t the quite the right word.  i mean yeah, i feel overwhelming sadness some days but it’s not the overarching feeling. it’s not the primary feeling. it’s not the main thing i feel.
apathy? sure, i’ve given up caring about cleaning (really need to do that, my area of the apartment is godawful) and i’ve given up caring about life, the future, what happens to me. i have hopes and dreams but who am i fooling? they’ll never happen. my health will never improve to the point where i’m able to hold down a job. i can barely handle school, what kind of idiot am i to think that i’ll be able to have a future?
then, what? hopeless? i guess you could say that, but i don’t even know if it’s the right word. sad? depressed? none of these words seem quite right. lonely? scared? overwhelmed? i don’t even know what words describe me anymore. if there are words. if there are any words.
i’m scared to see a doctor, scared to be honest. scared to let people see how things really are. what if they judge me? what if they don’t like me? what if they can’t help me? so instead, i let myself spiral.
i let the anxiety take over. i let the fear take over. i let the what-ifs take over.  when talking, face-to-face talking, i either lock down or i’ve been dealing with this stuff for so long that i’ve learned how to mask it, learned how to downplay it, so things aren’t really as bad as i realize. i tend to downplay things and let them go into they are super sonic bad… case in point, recent ear infection.
i feel scared and helpless and alone and like a failure.
and this emptiness. and despair. and the feeling that i will never pull myself out.
i know i’m not fooling everyone, that would be naive. but why do i try? why don’t i give people a chance? it’s like i’ve been hurt and hurt and hurt so i’m scared to show the truth.
will they love me less? doubtful. so why do i let myself believe such things? why don’t i just trust? why am i so scared?
why do i feel like falling into self injury? and i’m not suicidal, but i’ll be damned if i don’t think about death. if i don’t think about a break from the mental and physical pain. i know it’s not an option, but damn if it doesn’t come to mind.
i hate feeling like this. i hate feeling that things will never get better. because… what if that feeling is right?

We’ll always be good company, you and me, yes together we’ll be.

March 28th, 2013, I went to the animal shelter and fell in love with a gorgeous orange cat. However, by the time they called our landlord for approval the next day, he was adopted. I was sad, but I knew I’d found another cat. I actually wound up adopting his friend living with him in the shelter, Chica. I hadn’t paid much attention to her as I’d fallen for Harry, but that’s okay. I think she forgives me.
I think love at first sight is a bit of an understatement. I fell for her, but still looked and played with the other cats. Nope, Chica it was. On the adoption form for Harry, I wrote “I want someone who needs me as much as I need them.” And while that someone wasn’t Harry, it was Chica, who I renamed Athena. You see, Athena could have been staying at the shelter awhile. She’s five years old and polydactyl. People don’t always want the older or the imperfect cats. She’d also already been returned to the shelter once.
But Athena is everything I could want in a cat. She knew she was mine pretty quickly, even though I  had my worries at first. They are settled now. Athena wakes me up from my nightmares. I must give out some sign in my sleep I’m distressed, because I suddenly have a kitty waking me up and trying to cuddle me. Athena doesn’t let me go to school when I’m too sick to go (which has already happened twice in two weeks, stupid immune system) by plopping down on top of me and demanding I stay in the warm bed with her, fine, you insist.
The poor thing was worried to death about me  when I went to the hospital. Before I’d left, I was too sick to get in bed and was lying on the floor with her blankets. She curled up next to me. While I was gone, she spent most of her time by the door, waiting for me to return. When I came home, I swooped her up and those paws and claws dug straight into my shoulder and she was all over me. Instant face kisses. She then hardly left my side for awhile, but that’s okay.
Reunited and it feels so good…
Athena loves getting in places she doesn’t belong, but that’s because she’s a cat. Athena also loves toys that are not her toys. Her favourites include the plastic Easter eggs from my Easter egg basket. Athena also is found of my stuffed Pikachu and her hairbrush. Little bugger.
I find it very telling I adopted Athena on Good Friday, two days before Easter. Easter is about Resurrection and new life. I had just come out of a serious depression due to my Cymbalta reaction and had been suicidal.  Athena helped bring new life into me. My little Fluffy McFluffyButt once again gave me a reason to live.For a little furry baby, who depends on me for food, water, shelter, cuddles, and a clean litter box. For a little furry baby who needs love and affection, just like all of us.
Athena is the Greek goddess of is the goddess of wisdom, courage, inspiration, civilization, law and justice, just warfare, mathematics, strength, strategy, the arts, crafts, and skill. Athena is my courage, Athena is my wisdom. Athena is my inspiration. Hey, maybe because she’s the goddess of mathematics, she’ll help me pass my class, right?
Athena is my beautiful baby. She’s my first cat, and has turned me into a crazy cat lady. But I can live with that. Athena Persephone is my little, furry friend who knows just how much she is loved by both me and my roommate. We’ve forever lost certain spaces in our desks, bookshelves, and various items of ours… but we’ve also found someone who is forever in our hearts.

Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur
Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.
I thank God for giving me my little Greek goddess just when I needed her the most. I thank God for my little fluffy baby, who loves me and needs me. I thank God for my cat, and how He supplied me with my new furry best friend just when I needed her the most. Thank you, God. And thank you Animal Ark in Hastings, Minnesota for allowing me to bring home Miss Athena. 🙂

And I know, you won’t feel this way forever

Not even a month ago, I was started on a new antidepressant. Before I was trapped in depression. Trapped.

But now things are looking up. I’m having horrible side effects, but maybe my nice shrink with a southern accent can find a similar one or maybe he can find something to counteract them.

There is just one week left of classes. One week!! It’s at this lovely state in the semester where things are just not going all that well..

But it doesn’t mean things are going poorly. I’m at my breaking point stress wise, but things are looking up. It doesn’t mean things are perfect, but it means they are looking up. Things won’t always be this way. 
Some days are still terrible. Some days I feel like relasping into self injury. I know, I know, it sounds silly and maybe it is. I recently passed the ten year mark from the first time I cut. I still remember that day, still remember it so clearly. And for so long, I thought I was so clever. That I was masking my pain. That I was dealing with my pain. That I had my own little secret way of dealing with the world, hidden under my shirt sleeves. But I was young, I was naive. I didn’t know, couldn’t know, wouldn’t know that by masking the pain, when it came to surface, it only got worse. And so, when once one cut would suffice, now it would take two. Then three. Then four. Until my arms looked horrible. Until I had to move to my legs. And as much as I would welcome the nirvana, the bittersweet Ecstasy of cutting again… it’s not worth it. At times I think the break from the pain would be worth it, then I’d deserve it coming back so much.
But the thing is? I don’t deserve pain. For years, and I admit, some days I still do, it feels like  it was all my fault. Maybe if I had been a better behaved child. Maybe if I had been cuter. Maybe if I would have run away. Maybe if I would have done drugs. Maybe if I would have drank. Maybe if I would have told someone what my father was doing instead of hiding it, even denying it for years. Maybe if I would have fought back. I had so many chances in high school to say what my dad was doing. There was the time I fell apart in youth group, and one of the sponsors asked if everything was okay at home. There were the countless doctor appointments that asked if I was safe at home. There were the teachers that reached out to me.
The thing was, I was young and I was scared. Would people have believed me? Would things have gotten worse had I told? I don’t know. But the thing is, it’s not my fault. It wasn’t my fault. It was never my fault.


And even if, for some reason, it was my fault, it doesn’t make any of it okay. It doesn’t make my childhood okay, even if I did mess up at times. It doesn’t make what my dad did right, not remotely. And even if my actions DID cause him to act that way, it wasn’t right. Not in any way shape or form.

That said, I started this blog taking one track, and it took another. Things are looking up. I’m finding hope again. Moreso, I’m enjoying things again. I’m not playing games just as an escape, but I’m enjoying them. It’s the little things. I’m starting to sleep again, even! Sleep is good. Usually.

And now I’m going to play Final Fantasy 8 and talk on MSN for a bit before going to bed early, so tomorrow I can talk on MSN, clean, and do homework. So I can do what I love on Sunday and play music in church then come home and study and clean. I’m going to close this entry with lyrics to one of my favourite songs. ^_^

Spoken – Promise.
(Verse 1)
Yet another day seems like its wasted
You don’t feel youre any closer to the prize
A dead end job where there’s no future
Praying that tomorrow things wont be this way

(Chorus)
Things will get better this I promise you
And I know that you won’t feel this way forever
Things will get better this I promise you
And I know loneliness wont last forever

(Verse 2)
Yet another day, another tired morning
You’re catching up to your intentions
Your’e thinking life has to be easier than this
Maybe tomorrow things wont be this way

(Chorus)
Things will get better this I promise you
and I know it won’t feel this way forever
Things will get better this I promise you
and I know we can find a way to make it better
things will get better this I promise you 

(Outro)
Things will get better this I promise you
And I know it won’t feel this way forever
Things will get better this I promise you
And I know loneliness won’t last forever
Things will get better this I promise you
And I know things will get better this I promise you
And I know things will get better this I promise you
And I know loneliness won’t last forever

I found a reason for me to change who I used to be

Or: 100 reasons to live, part 3. See part 1 and part 2

20. Neil Patrick Harris. He’s cute, my first true celeb crush, he can sing, he and his partner may be the most ADORABLE gay couple ever. Look, NPH doing a scene from RENT, my favourite musical!!!

21. BUNNEHS. LITTLE BABY BUNNEHS.

the bunny, the bunny, whoah I love the bunny, i don’t love my mom or my dad just the bunny..

22. Texting. I like texting. Texting is fun. Dead people can’t text. 

23. Jimmy Johns.   Yummy sammichs. GF options. Win!
24. “Math, science, history, unraveling the mystery, that all started with a big BANG!” Come on, I’d miss Sheldon. Well, I can’t miss anything if I’m dead because I’m not able to miss things. But, you know, I could never joke about sitting in Sheldon’s spot. Or making fun of his Trek-ness. And Sheldon is a fun person to joke about. 
25. There’s still a lot of video game consoles I need to own. I can’t die before completing my mission of having a ton of old skool and new skool consoles, plus another Commodore. 
Iz floppy. And fun to play with. And just flop around. And get awesome looks for owning.

26. I have to defeat the odds and prove I can overcome all this junk. What a story I’ll have!

27. Shiny things. I like shiny things. Not just shiny pokemon, but other shiny things! 
28. Sunsets. Sunsets are beautiful, and it’s such a calm, peaceful time of evening.
29. The ocean. I’ve only seen the Atlantic. Gotta see the others! 
This is from one of my trips to Miami

30. Making random happy faces in random places. It’s fun and who knows? Maybe some sad person will see the happy face and then smile, right?

Y U B SAD? HAZ HAPPEH! 


this is your life, are you who you want to be?

I’m kind of freaked out at the moment. Okay, let’s rephrase that. I’m very freaked out. I very much want to go in the ministry. I want to teach, to reach, to help. But I don’t think that Director of Christian Outreach is right. I’m not made to witness to people! I can’t do these face to face convos, calling people to faith! I can’t help a pregnant woman, because I don’t fully believe that abortion is wrong. I can’t help a gay person, because I don’t know that it’s wrong to be gay and I’ve become more accepting of it over the years.

But how can I be a director of Christian outreach when bringing people into the church freaks me out? I don’t want to bring new people in – I want to help the ones who are here. I go into a cold sweat, panic, puke, cry, clam up, and my mind goes blank when I have to do this stuff – even though I know it all logically. I can do it over a messenger. But if i have to do it in person? It’s a living hell. I’m not made to do this! I want to teach! I want to read about Mark (my favourite gospel) and make it relatable! I want to play with children! I want to do young adult ministry! (I can’t deal with teenagers :P) I don’t want to pull new people into the church! I’m fine with helping the broken, Lord knows i want to help those who have been broken be it by the church or by life or both. But I’m not the one to pull them into a relationship with Christ.

I’ve been struggling with this for awhile. It doesn’t help that my eating disorder is out of control, it doesn’t help that my pain and depression and ADD are not medicated. (I go to pick up my Remeron  tomorrow). It doesn’t help that I’m struggling to pass math. It doesn’t help that I’m trying to find an apartment, move off campus, line up doctor’s appointments. And at times it feels like I’m doing it all single-handedly. It doesn’t help that I feel so stressed out.

It’s like I’m playing Pokemon, and I’m up against a trainer who has the attack that’s super effective against me. We’re down to a grass pokemon and a fire pokemon, and I have no other pokemon left other than my poor Leafeon and they’re kicking ass with Rapidash. I can’t flee from a trainer battle, and so attack after attack is hurled at me until I faint, until I black out.

Y U PICK ON ME? THAT NO IZ NICE.

Ahem. Anyway, I’m struggling with this. This is my life, is it who I want to be? I try to make the changes to make things better but it’s hard. And there are some things I cannot change. I guess it’s like the serenity prayer:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to accept the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.”
It just seems like such a struggle some days. Every attack is super effective, and wears me down more and more. I just don’t know what to do anymore and how to keep pulling through. 

100 Reasons For Living: Part 2

See part 1 here

11. BACON. Bacon is really, really yummy. It smells good, it tastes good, and HEY IT HAS PROTEIN. PROTEIN IS GOOD.

This little piggy will be my breakfast some day….

12. Psychology. I love studying it, I love learning about it, I love putting it into practice. It drives me, it makes my blood run, and it makes me so happy. Dead people can’t study psychology.

13. SCRUBS!!

14. Playing on playgrounds. Pretty sure the kiddies would be creeped out if a corpse went down the slide or if a zombie was swinging…
15. I am loved, I am accepted, I am wanted.
16. I have a story to tell and it hasn’t been told yet. Maybe I can cheer people up, inspire people ,leave a legacy with my story.
17. I haven’t been overseas yet. Gotta be alive to do that. Well, unless someone drops my ashes out of an airplane crossing the Pacific ocean. But that’s kind of morbid.
18. I’m still in college! I need a degree!
19. MARIO!! 
20. Dead people can’t ride horses and I want to ride horses again. 😀
U ride me, plz?

100 Reasons for Living: Part 1

1. Pokemon. After all, dying before I catch them all would just be depressing, now wouldn’t it?

That car is kind of badass.

2. Finally getting my drivers license! It may happen this summer!

3. Getting my own apartment for the first time. With an awesome friend.
4. My friends. They would be very sad pandas if I died suddenly. 
Steph says I can’t die until I’m in my 90s. 

5. Video game soundtracks. Seriously. They’re beautiful.

6. The feeling of walking barefoot outside. In the grass, in the sand, in the ocean… in the mulch. Anything but mud. Ick.
7. The feeling of the warm sun against your skin after the chilly spring.
8. Laughing so hard I cry.
9. I won’t be able to do this with a kitten anymore IF I’M FRICK FRACKING DEAD
10. It’s not my time yet. I still have so much to do in these world.

And she fools all of her friends into thinking she’s so strong but she still sleeps with the light on

My bed is soaked with sadness
My sadness has no end has no end
A downward of  spiral of dispair
That I keep falling in 
I need you how, how I need you 
(…)
Your silence is like death to me,
so won’t you hear my desperate plea?
-I Need You, The Swift

It’s hard some days to get myself out of bed. My alarm goes off, a few swear words slip past my lips, a stuffed animal may fly across the room. I’m not a morning person by nature, never have been. But when you’re trapped in depression, when your greatest enemy is that reflection in the mirror, sometimes hauling yourself out of bed is one of the most difficult things of the day.

I suppose I make it sound like I’m drowning in depression. Some days I am. Some days I wonder why I get out of bed when I’ve barely slept the night before and daytime is the only time I’m able to actually sleep. When I’m running on two to three hours a sleep a night, and a couple hour nap during the day. Why I bother even trying to hope, trying to dream, when it seems like my hopes and dreams and wishes will just be crushed. It’s hard.

Living with depression is like fighting a monster every morning. My days and nights are reversed. I just want solace – just some relief from all the pain I’m trapped in. It feels like just doing simple things – hanging out with friends, eating, hauling my butt out of bed, doing the laundry, drain all the effort and energy out of me and I’m left alone with my thoughts.

All I want to do is be free from this demon I battle. I want to be truly happy again, and not a person that I want to hide from. But I don’t know how. I don’t know how to open up about the past and allow people – friends, therapists, pastors, et al, help me. I don’t know how to let people understand and even begin to give me a chance to have hope again.

For as much as I want to hope, dream, laugh, love, and carry on with my life, it scares the everliving shit out of me. All I’ve known for over a decade is depression. All I’ve known is bleakness. All I’ve known is living in fear and terror. And as exhilarating and thrilling the other side might be – it’s completely unknown. It’s something I’ve never felt before. What if it’s too much? What if I don’t like it? What if I taste the other side, and I don’t like it at all? What if it hurts? What if I get a sampling of it, and I wind up falling back into depression? Would the relapse be that much worse because I’ve tasted the other side? Or would it be better once I pull out of the funk again, because I know what the other side is like? 

I get sick of trying various antidepressants. I get sick of feeling like this – I don’t WANT to be like this! But how do I attempt something I’ve never tried, how do I try something I just don’t know? How do I even attempt to spread my wings and fly, when every time I’ve tried to fly I’ve fallen?

Depression sucks. I’ll leave you with Adventures in Depression because that sums it up better than I ever could.

Me? Stubborn? Naw, ‘ya don’t say.

Whoever coined the phrase “Stubborn as a mule” clearly had me in mind.

I remember in 2007 being asked what my best trait is.

“I’m STUBBORN.”
“You mean assertive, right? Stubborn is a bad thing.”
*pause*
“Nope, I’m stubborn.”

It’s true – I’m fiercely stubborn. I don’t like change, I don’t like things being different in any way, shape, or form. I like things just the way they are.

And so I cling onto – be it bad or be it good. And in a very sad way, my stubbornness hinders my recovery of depression, ptsd, and ED-NOS. How does it hinder it? Because in many ways, I’m just too stubborn to change. Things the way they are aren’t great, but it’s all I know. And I like what I know, even if it’s not ideal. I like the predictability of the way I sometimes run things, and I feel that if I keep things that way, it’s for the best.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be stubborn. There are times when it’s a really good skill, such as when people are being a pain in the butt and you just need to get something done. It channels into determination sometimes. Thing is – I’m stubborn about things that I shouldn’t be stubborn about.

I think my stubbornness helped me survive my childhood, but now I need to find a different coping skill and a different way to control things. I’m a control freak, I’ll fully admit it, and it goes along with being stubborn. I’m well known for pushing myself way too far, because I want to prove I CAN do it, even when I’m sick as a dog or crawling in pain and really should be curled up in bed with a piping hot cup of tea and reruns of Fraiser. But yet – I want to prove to people that I’m capable and that I WILL do things my way, dammit!

It’s not a healthy mindset. I need to learn that it’s OK to listen to other people’s advice and sometimes being stubborn is a bad thing. Sometimes I do have to let someone else take the reins, and trust that things will turn out okay if I don’t do things exactly how I plan.

You’re beautiful, like a rainbow

One of my favourite commercials (more like a PSA)  has been the Dove – True Colors ad. I don’t think it’s been on television for a few years now. I remember it coming out my senior year of high school. That year sucked beyond measure, but that’s a moot point.

Thing is? We all have things we don’t like about ourselves. I struggle with my body image on a daily basis. It’s a battle I constantly fight against myself.

The thing is? It doesn’t matter that I walk with a limp or my knee snaps out of joint. It doesn’t matter that my posture is awkward or I’m not a perfect weight. It doesn’t matter because really, it’s not much in the grand scheme of things. I doubt when my friends think of me they are thinking the same things I think when I look in the mirror (Gah, another blemish. Shit, my hair is a mess. Dammit, I look fat today. God, why don’t my shoulders lie straight!). Instead, they think about the good things (and okay, maybe some of the annoying things like the fact they have to debate with me to get me to do things like, oh, eat) about my character.

It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that while I belittle myself over my appearance, it’s not what others do. And really, the things I hate so much are likely what others like. And I need to learn that it’s not a big deal what’s on the outside – that it’s what’s inside that really matters. And not fully inside, like my heart and my lungs (although I reckon those things are good as well) but the person I am deep within.

But I see your true colours shining through,
I see your true colours, and that’s why I love you

(Wow, my nearly 3 am postings when I should be asleep are interesting. Curse you, insomnia!)