I’ve come a long way from where I used to be. I have changed a lot from the person I once was. And I never want to be who I was again. So many people I know lament the past, and it’s something that’s hard for me to understand. Perhaps because I’ve always been chronically ill. Perhaps because I’m an abuse survivor. Perhaps because I no longer self injure and my eating disorder is in recovery?
I don’t want to go back to where I was. Wearing long sleeves when I didn’t want to to hide the scars. Though now because I’m always cold I still wear long sleeves often, but that’s beside the point. Bargaining with myself in order to eat. It’s not something I want to go back to. I’m living on my own. I’m more confident. More radiant. More independent than I ever thought I’d be. And even though some day, maybe even some day soon, I may have to live into assisted living, I still don’t want to go back to the past.
I mean, sure, I get homesick sometimes. I’m my only family. I have to fend for myself. But I don’t want to go back to Ohio to live. Minnesota is my home now. I can’t even go back to a time I was healthy, because even though I’m sicker now than I ever was as a child, I’ve never truly known healthy.
But I know that I can’t live life in the past. I know that I can’t live life with what ifs. I know that I have to keep going, keep going, keep going. And I know that it will be worth it all.
Oh, I’m pressing on
All my distress is going, going, gone
Oh, I’m pressing on, pressing on
And I won’t sit back and take this anymore
‘Cause I’m done that, I’ve got foot out the door
And to go back to where I was would just be wrong,
I’m pressing on
Pressing On – Relient K