Facebook asks me what’s on my mind. It’s kinda creepy, really. It also always thinks I’m at target or out getting waffle fries. Which neither are inaccurate if we are being totally truthful.
But the problem is? I don’t know how to say what’s on my mind.
You’re such an eloquent writer. But Nora! Just type or say the thing.
That’s the problem.
You see, the word are trapped. The emotions are trapped. The feelings are trapped.
It’s like alphabet soup and just a bunch of letters swirling around. Sometimes I can scoop out a random word but it isn’t very helpful or relevant.
I have so many secrets. Oh, everyone has secrets.
But this is stuff I’ve not told everyone.
Stuff I’ve not even dared write out. Because I’m scared to be faced with it.
It can’t be that bad.
Well no, but it’s not that good either.
It’s trapped. I want to speak the words. To type the words. To free myself from the words. But I don’t know how. I’m stuck. I’m trapped. And I’m scared.
I don’t like feeling like this. The words. The thoughts. The feelings are terrifying. I want it out. I so badly want to be free of this hell I’ve been trapped in for decades.
I act like the good person I know I have to be.
I have been told how smart and capable and resilient I am.
And so I stay trapped in my head.
Locked in my own body.
And it’s terrifying.
I’ve written out what happened before. My childhood. My past. Some of it.
But there’s so much more.
A few eyes have seen it.
But not many.
And I’m scared.
I have so many thoughts that are still trapped. So much stuff I haven’t dealt with.
So many nightmares. So many flashbacks.
And I want to move forward.
I want things to change.
But they can’t.
Because the words are trapped and I can’t pull them out.
I’m just not smart enough to fix this one.