And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again

It’s been a long day without you, my friend
And I’ll tell you all about it, when I see you again
We’re a long way, from where we began
And I’ll tell you all about it, when I see you again

Dear Beth,

I beat a video game I’ve been struggling with. I know the amount of shits you would have given were have been precisely zero, but you would have listened to me and “YAY’D!” with me because you loved me. You still do love me. I still do love you. Nothing will change that.

I’m in Australia. It’s beautiful, Beth. I wish I could share with you the pictures of the cute animals (even the seagulls which I’m pretty sure are demon possessed), the koalas, the wombats…. I told you I’d bring you a stuffed wombat home and you bet damn well I still well. I wish it was a wombat. I wish I could actually mail it to you.

I wish you could see some of my vacation pictures. I can just here your smart ass comments at them. I can hear your voice. I can picture your facial expressions. I can imagine your text message tone. But it’s empty. Horrifyingly empty.

Who am I going to Kermit Flail with? Who am I going to text pictures of the weird shit I see at the mall with? Who am I going to say things like ‘hippos’ and know exactly what I mean? Who is going to be there for me when I’m trapped in the ER?

I would open my mailbox and find random cards.
I would find random crap on my Facebook timeline.
I wound open my phone to see a message from you.

But now we’re gone.
But now you’re gone.
But now my heart is gone.

I’ve lost friends before, Beth. You aren’t the first. You always listened to me talk about Nick and Rachel and my cousin and my grandparents… but now who am I going to talk to about you? Who am I going to turn to when I need someone to fix my grammar?

I need your smart ass comments.
I need YOU.


How can we not talk about family when family’s all that we got?
Everything I went through you were standing there by my side
And now you gon’ be with me for the last ride

a bittersweet day

It was the day she looked forward to.

I can imagine her reaction to all the rainbows. She loved rainbows. Tye dye. Bright colours.

Oh, how much she would  have loved to see facebook lit of rainbow.

Oh, how happy she would have been to see that marriage was finally legal. To see love win. To see us finally stepping in the right direction.

I found out about gay marriage and not even a full hour later, I found out that Beth was dead.

I found out the friend who loved Peeps and Rainbow and Tye Dye was gone.

The friend who I could say “hippos” and knew exactly what I meant.

The friend who we could assess each other’s moods in Princess Bride and RENT quotes.

The friend who I could text with random shit.

The one who I could blow through thousands of texts in a month. Gone

The one who shared my love for Muppets and Sesame Street and Doctor Who. The one who finally convinced me to watch Buffy and Firefly.

The one who would stay up with me and chat with me in the hospital.

She kept me company when I was sick.
I kept her company  when she was sick.
We kept each other company when we were both sick.

She could read me like a book.

We both supported each other.
For our mental health.
For cutting toxic people out of our lives.
We were there.

Some days, my only laugh of the day came from the wild and wacky convos from Beth.
And now where will those days come? Who will make me laugh those days?

And right now, I am thousands of miles from home. From Minnesota. Even further, than usual, from Colorado. My friend Stephanie told me that I’m in the best place I could be right now – that I’m in Australia and whatnot. That I’m surrounded by people I love and who love me, vs being locked in my apartment alone. But it doesn’t make this any easier.

Love won.
But I lost a member of my family of choice.
What kind of fucking victory is that?