What no one tells you about being chronically ill is how soul crushing it is.
About how some days, you decide between going to the bathroom and eating.
About how some days, you decide between a shower and eating.
About how some days, you literally don’t have the energy to leave your bed, nonetheless eat, shower, toilet, do all the things you need to do.
What no one tells you is how lonely it is. How crippling that loneliness is.
Sure, you have your computer and your phone that you could use to talk to someone. If only you could get the energy to reach it.
What no one tells you is how hopeless it feels.
What no one tells you what it’s like.
What no one tell you is the soul crushing feeling of playing Medication Roulette – hoping that this time, this pill will work.
No one tells you what it’s like having to choose what food will taste the best coming back up, but you know damn well you have to eat something.
What no one tells you is what it’s like at age 19 to be declared disabled and unable to work, unable to complete school, and at age 28 be a college drop out because you just can’t do it.
No one tells you how deep and dark that hopelessness is.
Because until you’ve lived it, you don’t know it.
Until you’ve lived it, you don’t realize how dark and lonely it is.
And you don’t realize it’s what your life has become.