A few years back, I was asked if I thought God created me to be disabled. First off, this is a horribly offensive question. Secondly, it came from a quack chiropractor to whom I promptly gave a piece of my mind. Years have gone on since then. I’ve had three operations. I’ve withdrawn from college. My health has completely fallen apart. And I question it.
Why DID God create me this way? Why AM I so broken? Is there any purpose for the pain? I wonder why he let me be like this. I wonder why I couldn’t have a working body. Why I suffer from an array of disorders. Most of the time, I feel I can accept and own my disabilities. But there are times when I question it. When I question why. When I don’t understand. When the doctors are hunting for answers.
I wish, oh, how I wish that I knew. I don’t know that I fully believe what I find off at Ableist Assmonkey Doctor. I don’t know how I feel about this in general. I don’t know why. But I do believe, that for whatever reason, God created me this way. I don’t know what he’s reasoning is, but I know it’s greater than mine. I don’t know why he thought I was strong enough to handle it, and frankly there are days I don’t know that I am. “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle” is 100% bullshit, but that’s another rant for another entry.
I don’t know. I don’t know why. I don’t know how. But what I do know is that His plan is better than mine and His vision is better than mine. In high school and middle school, I was often awarded Faithfulness awards for my steadfast faith. My faith has shaken. My faith has been shattered. But I always come back around. I know that God has a plan that I don’t – even with my disabilities.
And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know
And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust
God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God