In a recent Facebook post, I posted the video Instead Of A Show by Jon Foreman, and a discussion came out about my recent ventures towards leaning agnostic. I suppose that it may be easier to write a full out blog post and explain things. I feel that some people may think this is a recent venture. It most assuredly is not. I feel judged for holding these views, for it’s not what’s expected of me. It’s not what people want to hear, and it’s not happy and candy coated. It’s raw pain, raw anguish, and raw emotions.
To give a little background, I was raised in an Armenian church. Now, I don’t think a Calvinist is right/Armenianism is right is legit in this post, and I may very well explore that later. For now, I think knowing that I was raised in that type of church (and very conservative at that), is likely somewhat relevant to where I am now.
I attend a very Conservative Christian college with a strong Bible requirement. I feel that it is, in many ways, filled with cookie cutter Christians, ones fit neatly inside a box and anyone who doesn’t fit that mold is up the creak without a paddle. Even when I was a hardcore Christian, I felt judged because I don’t fit the standard molds. My views weren’t traditional, and were even likely unorthodox in many ways.
Here I am, at the brink of a college transfer. And here I am, bordering on agnosticism. I believe that there is something out there, some light or force that is greater than you or I. But I also don’t know that that source is. I don’t know if it’s a divine omni-everything God. I don’t know if it’s a God who sent his Son to die for our sins. I don’t know what I belief, and I think that’s what scares me the most. After all, I was dedicated as an infant and baptize by immersion at age 14. I’ve never not known Christianity.
And so here I am, standing in my struggles. I feel like I’ve failed as a person sometimes, because I can no longer just belief. I need logic, facts, concrete proof. Being very “rough around the edges” has made me callous towards childlike belief and innocent faith, because I don’t understand how you can just had it. When all the crap hits the fan, and you’ve been TOLD all your life that there’s a God out there who wants to fix your problems and you see him not fixing it, what are you left thinking? Believing? That you’ve done Faith wrong? That God doesn’t really care for you?
It’s a complex cycle, and I don’t know how to break out of it or decide on what I believe. Because I just don’t know.