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Your heart will be heard through your unspoken word through generations to come

I woke from a dream last night; I dreamt that you were by my side. Reminding me I still had life in me. I remember you like yesterday, yesterday. I still can’t believe you’re gone. I remember you like yesterday, and until I’m with you, I’ll carry on. Every lament is a love song, yesterday, yesterday, I still can’t believe you’re gone, every lament is a love song, yesterday, yesterday, so long my friend, so long. – Switchfoot, Yesterdays.

It’s hard to believe it’s been four years since the guy who taught me there was a God outside the fundamentalist view of God existed. The guy who’s first profound question to me was “What is your favorite type of cheese?”. The guy who once peed in a cup for me. The guy who saved my life. One of the few who has physically seen me cry, and openly wept with me. Who motivated me to go into the ministry.

I forever regret the fight we had summer of 2010. If only I’d known then what I know now, but I can’t change the past, I guess. But I wish he could have seen the person I became. The girl who decided to become a hospital chaplain. Who had two back surgeries. Who struggled. Struggled. Struggled. But yet, still had her faith. The shaken faith stayed. And it’s thanks to him.

Jesus has overcome, and the grave is overwhelmed
Victory is won, he is risen from the dead

And I will rise, when he calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise, on Eagle’s wings
Before my God, fall on my knees
-Chris Tomlin, I Will Rise

How fitting now that the song we often had on repeat was I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin. It was even at his memorial service.

I admit the childish, immature side of me is jealous. Jealous that he is finally free of pain, at a younger age than me. Jealous that he gets to meet his saviour, his redeemer, his jesus while I am still here, longing and waiting.

It somehow gets easier, right?

It’s been a long day without you, my friend
And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again
We’ve come a long way from where we began
Oh, I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again

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Jesus loves me, loves me still. Though I’m very weak and ill.

A few years back, I was asked if I thought God created me to be disabled. First off, this is a horribly offensive question. Secondly, it came from a quack chiropractor to whom I promptly gave a piece of my mind. Years have gone on since then. I’ve had three operations. I’ve withdrawn from college. My health has completely fallen apart. And I question it.

Why DID God create me this way? Why AM I so broken? Is there any purpose for the pain? I wonder why he let me be like this. I wonder why I couldn’t have a working body. Why I suffer from an array of disorders. Most of the time, I feel I can accept and own my disabilities. But there are times when I question it. When I question why. When I don’t understand. When the doctors are hunting for answers.

I wish, oh, how I wish that I knew. I don’t know that I fully believe what I find off at Ableist Assmonkey Doctor. I don’t know how I feel about this in general. I don’t know why. But I do believe, that for whatever reason, God created me this way. I don’t know what he’s reasoning is, but I know it’s greater than mine. I don’t know why he thought I was strong enough to handle it, and frankly there are days I don’t know that I am. “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle” is 100% bullshit, but that’s another rant for another entry.

I don’t know. I don’t know why. I don’t know how. But what I do know is that His plan is better than mine and His vision is better than mine. In high school and middle school, I was often awarded Faithfulness awards for my steadfast faith. My faith has shaken. My faith has been shattered. But I always come back around. I know that God has a plan that I don’t – even with my disabilities.

And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know

And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

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Here she stands today, in her brilliant shining way

 

So, the year was 2012. I had transferred out of a fairly right wing college the year before and my best friend/roommate was still there. I guess, subconsciously, we decided to go out with a bang. The election the year was the marriage amendment for Minnesota. 

The school was strongly on the Vote Yes side. So, we took matters into our own hands. Northwestern has a rock where students were allowed to paint messages. So we took painted the rock with the HRC logo and took pictures of us with the Vote No: Don’t Limit The Freedom To Marry signs. We were not known for speaking up and we were terrified. We received some backlash – we received some judgement. Not even six hours later, some dickheads painted over it with black spray paint. Not even a new message over it, just completed silenced us.

But our voice was heard. We made our stand. We spoke our voice. Even though we were silenced, I have hope that it gave encouragement to anyone who isn’t perfectly straight. Who doesn’t fit the cookie-cutter mold. I still am very bitter towards my time at that school, for more reasons than just this and Ye Olde Christian College will get blog posts of it’s own about that. But for one of the first times in my life, I let my opinion be known, we spoke out about something we were passionate about.


And it was worth it.