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A Letter to the Duggar Daughters

If you haven’t heard of the scandal with the Duggars, you may live under a rock. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there.There’s a wonderful thing called Google which will inform you of all you need to know. Anyway. ūüôā

Dear Duggar Daughters,

What your brother did to you was deplorable. I’m sorry you had to suffer like that and join the ranks that no one wants to join. I’m sorry that this is being rehashed left and right – when it should have been said and done all those years ago.

Know that it wasn’t your fault. You were children. Even if it happened now, it still wouldn’t be your fault. Nothing you wore made it happen. Nothing you said made it happen. Nothing you did made it happen. It was your brother’s choice to commit that crime. Yes, crime. It wasn’t a mistake. It was a crime.

Know that it wasn’t okay. It wasn’t acceptable. While it happens in countless families, it’s not normal. It shouldn’t have happened. It wasn’t just a boy playing doctor, it wasn’t just a young boy who was curious. It was your brother and he committed a serious crime. It should not have been brushed off like it was.

I understand if you say you forgave him to save face. It’s okay if you actually haven’t. It’s okay to be bitter and angry with him. What he did was terrible. Older brothers are supposed to protect their younger sisters, they’re not supposed to abuse them. I hope that you’re able to find peace. I hope that in the midst of the storm of it being brought back up, you are able to find hope again. But it doesn’t mean you have to forgive him. I fully understand, oh how I understand, that fundamental Christianity taught you that you have to forgive him and act like nothing happened. But that’s not true. It’s okay if you haven’t. It’s okay if mentally, you want to drop him feet first into a corn grinder.

Above all, I hope you know you aren’t damaged goods. I hope you know that each and every one of you deserves love and hope and a man who treats you right. Everyone deserves that, but most of all people who have seen hell and back deserve it. I hope you know that despite all this, there’s a God who loves you and who weeps with you. I hope you understand that there is healing and hope again. And I hope you know that I pray for you. I pray you find hope. I pray you find peace. I pray that you find a way to create your life again – be it forgiveness or not, be it having a relationship with your brother or not. Whatever you choose, you’ve got to choose what’s right for you.

I’m so sorry your abuse and intimate life details are being displayed in the limelight. You did nothing to deserve that – it was the choice of your family to paint out your lives on TLC. I am so sorry that all these years later, it’s coming back to haunt you. All abuse survivors want that, but when we don’t find closure, we find life haunting us. I hope that one day, you get proper counseling and are able to heal.

I’m closing with the lyrics to one of my favorite songs.

Innocence – Seventh Day Slumber
Something I’m not supposed to talk about¬†
The way you violated me 
Something that I could’ve lived without¬†
The way you put your hands all over me 
I wonder do you lie awake and think at night? 
How you tore my innocence in two 
I wonder do you cry yourself to sleep at night? 
‘Cause I can tell you it’s what you made me do¬†

[Chorus:]
And I can’t get back my innocence¬†
I can’t get back my innocence¬†
how could you steal my innocence? 
how could you steal my innocence? 

Sometimes I think about what I would do 
If I ever saw your face again 
So many untold stories only you can tell 
Guess I’ll just let God contend with you¬†

[Chorus:]
And I can’t get back my innocence¬†
I can’t get back my innocence¬†
how could you steal my innocence? 
How could you steal my innocence? 
I can’t get back my innocence¬†
I can’t get back my innocence¬†
How could you steal my innocence? 
How could you steal my innocence? 

God gave me back my innocence 
God gave me back my innocence 
God gave my life back to me 
God gave me back my innocence

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I wonder what could be so tragic, make you want to take your life

It’s hard to see beyond your pain, when you feel so dead inside. It’s hard to see what you’ve been given, it’s hard to see the hope in life. And I know it’s hard to take what’s happening, and I know life is tough sometimes. And I know it seems like there’s no hope for you, and I know that your life is worth more than you can see.¬†

This is a Christian song by Seventh Day Slumber. It quite literally saved my life junior year of high school. I didn’t really like the Jesus-y parts as much (and they’re there, trust me) but the second verse and this chorus helped so much. The worst of my high school depression was the 2004-2005 school year. I went from private school to home schooled. I lived with my abusive father. I had very few friends and found solace on message boards. I was in the deepest parts of self injury… most of my pictures from that time frame involve long sleeves. And yet, this song carried me through. This song reminded me that there was hope beyond the horizon. That you know, it’s okay that things suck right now. Sometimes life just sucks and kicks you in the ass. And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. But at the same time, it’s going to get better. It won’t always be these bleak.

Right now, I’m in the midst of another dark depression. I’ve had a few truly dark times – 11th grade, early 2009, the Great Cymbalta Nightmare, and now. It’s bad. I’ve been playing medication roulette.

Things are bleak. Things are dark. I’m in a battle for my services. I’m in a battle for the things I need to live, to enjoy life, to have quality. It sucks. I wouldn’t wish this nightmare on anybody. And it’s the life I have. It’s the life I’ve been handed. And I don’t know why.

But perhaps one day the new dawn will come. Perhaps I’ll find hope again? Right now, I just don’t know.