0

To go back to where I was would just be wrong

I’ve come a long way from where I used to be. I have changed a lot from the person I once was. And I never want to be who I was again. So many people I know lament the past, and it’s something that’s hard for me to understand. Perhaps because I’ve always been chronically ill. Perhaps because I’m an abuse survivor. Perhaps because I no longer self injure and my eating disorder is in recovery?

I don’t want to go back to where I was. Wearing long sleeves when I didn’t want to to hide the scars. Though now because I’m always cold I still wear long sleeves often, but that’s beside the point. Bargaining with myself in order to eat. It’s not something I want to go back to. I’m living on my own. I’m more confident. More radiant. More independent than I ever thought I’d be. And even though some day, maybe even some day soon, I may have to live into assisted living, I still don’t want to go back to the past.

I mean, sure, I get homesick sometimes. I’m my only family. I have to fend for myself. But I don’t want to go back to Ohio to live. Minnesota is my home now. I can’t even go back to a time I was healthy, because even though I’m sicker now than I ever was as a child, I’ve never truly known healthy.

But I know that I can’t live life in the past. I know that I can’t live life with what ifs. I know that I have to keep going, keep going, keep going. And I know that it will be worth it all.

 

Oh, I’m pressing on
All my distress is going, going, gone
Oh, I’m pressing on, pressing on
And I won’t sit back and take this anymore
‘Cause I’m done that, I’ve got foot out the door
And to go back to where I was would just be wrong,
I’m pressing on

Pressing On – Relient K

1

call it torture, call it university

Nine years ago in June, I graduated high school. I was by all means a smart kid despite my dismal SAT scores (I don’t test well due to various learning disorders) and I had high hopes for my future. I graduated with honours – it should have been high honours but one of my teachers didn’t turn his grades in on time so the program only listed me as honours. Anyway.

I always thought that by now, I would be graduated with both my undergraduate and my master degree. I had such BIG PLANS for my life. I was eighteen years old, about to turn nineteen. I had no idea how badly my attempts at college would fail. I had no idea what a nightmare I would make of it all.

I withdrew from college for the final time nearly a year ago and I’ve come to terms that I may never graduate. And it’s HARD. I want so badly, so desperately to go back. I still dream of it. I dream of going back. I dream of graduate school. I dream so badly of becoming something worthwhile and instead, I live at home with my cat. I’m on disability. My live is instead doctors appointments instead of doing SOMETHING with my life. And it scares me that I may never amount to anything. That I will be nothing for the rest of my life.