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it’s hard to say it, time to say it

Every memory of walkin’ out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was lookin’ for
It’s hard to say it, time to say it
Good bye, good bye, good bye

 

Six months next week.
Six long, lonely months.
My heart hurts. It’s broken. It’s shattered.
I will never be the same.
Six months later…

I read our text messages and Facebook convos, with her teasing me about coming to visit her.
I read our inside jokes.
I read about the love we shared.
And I’m reminded of how beautiful our friendship was.

Others would tell us – both while she was alive and after she was gone, how evident our friendship was. With the way we interacted and stuff.

But she’s gone.

And I hurt.
Oh, how I hurt.

I have one less Christmas card to mail out. One empty card sitting on my desk.

I have one less person to share my medical angst with.

I have one less person to invite to my not-very-likely-to-happen wedding.

The grief hits at the strangest times. Such as 1:48 am on a Thursday morning.

But this is the time she’d be on. This is the time we’d talk.

And the chat is hauntingly empty.

 

We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we know
We said someday we’d find out how it feels
To sing to more than just a steering wheel

 

(Admin note: I’ll add an image description later. Sorry it’s not up yet. I’m tired and grieving and not up to posting it yet).

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And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again

It’s been a long day without you, my friend
And I’ll tell you all about it, when I see you again
We’re a long way, from where we began
And I’ll tell you all about it, when I see you again

Dear Beth,

I beat a video game I’ve been struggling with. I know the amount of shits you would have given were have been precisely zero, but you would have listened to me and “YAY’D!” with me because you loved me. You still do love me. I still do love you. Nothing will change that.

I’m in Australia. It’s beautiful, Beth. I wish I could share with you the pictures of the cute animals (even the seagulls which I’m pretty sure are demon possessed), the koalas, the wombats…. I told you I’d bring you a stuffed wombat home and you bet damn well I still well. I wish it was a wombat. I wish I could actually mail it to you.

I wish you could see some of my vacation pictures. I can just here your smart ass comments at them. I can hear your voice. I can picture your facial expressions. I can imagine your text message tone. But it’s empty. Horrifyingly empty.

Who am I going to Kermit Flail with? Who am I going to text pictures of the weird shit I see at the mall with? Who am I going to say things like ‘hippos’ and know exactly what I mean? Who is going to be there for me when I’m trapped in the ER?

I would open my mailbox and find random cards.
I would find random crap on my Facebook timeline.
I wound open my phone to see a message from you.

But now we’re gone.
But now you’re gone.
But now my heart is gone.

I’ve lost friends before, Beth. You aren’t the first. You always listened to me talk about Nick and Rachel and my cousin and my grandparents… but now who am I going to talk to about you? Who am I going to turn to when I need someone to fix my grammar?

I need your smart ass comments.
I need YOU.


How can we not talk about family when family’s all that we got?
Everything I went through you were standing there by my side
And now you gon’ be with me for the last ride