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Your heart will be heard through your unspoken word through generations to come

I woke from a dream last night; I dreamt that you were by my side. Reminding me I still had life in me. I remember you like yesterday, yesterday. I still can’t believe you’re gone. I remember you like yesterday, and until I’m with you, I’ll carry on. Every lament is a love song, yesterday, yesterday, I still can’t believe you’re gone, every lament is a love song, yesterday, yesterday, so long my friend, so long. – Switchfoot, Yesterdays.

It’s hard to believe it’s been four years since the guy who taught me there was a God outside the fundamentalist view of God existed. The guy who’s first profound question to me was “What is your favorite type of cheese?”. The guy who once peed in a cup for me. The guy who saved my life. One of the few who has physically seen me cry, and openly wept with me. Who motivated me to go into the ministry.

I forever regret the fight we had summer of 2010. If only I’d known then what I know now, but I can’t change the past, I guess. But I wish he could have seen the person I became. The girl who decided to become a hospital chaplain. Who had two back surgeries. Who struggled. Struggled. Struggled. But yet, still had her faith. The shaken faith stayed. And it’s thanks to him.

Jesus has overcome, and the grave is overwhelmed
Victory is won, he is risen from the dead

And I will rise, when he calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise, on Eagle’s wings
Before my God, fall on my knees
-Chris Tomlin, I Will Rise

How fitting now that the song we often had on repeat was I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin. It was even at his memorial service.

I admit the childish, immature side of me is jealous. Jealous that he is finally free of pain, at a younger age than me. Jealous that he gets to meet his saviour, his redeemer, his jesus while I am still here, longing and waiting.

It somehow gets easier, right?

It’s been a long day without you, my friend
And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again
We’ve come a long way from where we began
Oh, I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again

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My Jesus, the children, He holds in His eyes

The ones you loved, they let you down,
And I want you to know that I’m sorry
The choices that they made were wrong, you were caught in the middle
And I’m sorry

So when the anger and the pain get the best of you
I know it feels like you’re all alone, but I am feeling it too

‘Cause you’re my little girl, you’re the one that I created
No one in this world  could ever be like you
When you’re crying in the night, all you need to do is call me
And I’ll be there, ’cause you’re my little girl

When you’re looking in the mirror,
I hope you’re liking what you see
Because no matter what you’re feeling,
You’re perfect to me

Cause I’ve seen you as a child, blameless in my sight
Just spend some time with me, and I’ll make everything all right 

‘Cause you’re my little girl, you’re the one that I created
No one in this world  could ever be like you
When you’re crying in the night, all you need to do is call me
And I’ll be there, ’cause you’re my little girl

I know you don’t deserve what you have been through
I know it doesn’t seem fair,
I know there are times when you think you’re alone,
But you’ve got to know that I will be there

Cause you’re my little girl, you’re the one that I created
No one in this world could ever be like you
When you’re crying in the night, all you need to do is call me
And I’ll be there for you, ’cause you’re my little girl

– Go Fish, You’re My Little Girl

With all the news of the Duggars lately, it’s been an abuse survivor’s nightmare. Constant reminders of faith gone wrong. Constant reminders of protectors turned perpetrator. It’s difficult.

But there is a God who still loves the broken. The hurt. The weary. There’s a God is still patient, and a God who is still love. There’s a God who is still there to heal hurts.

There’s still hope. Hope never ran dry. There’s still love, even for the ones who feel unlovable. It’s still there.

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A Letter to the Duggar Daughters

If you haven’t heard of the scandal with the Duggars, you may live under a rock. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there.There’s a wonderful thing called Google which will inform you of all you need to know. Anyway. 🙂

Dear Duggar Daughters,

What your brother did to you was deplorable. I’m sorry you had to suffer like that and join the ranks that no one wants to join. I’m sorry that this is being rehashed left and right – when it should have been said and done all those years ago.

Know that it wasn’t your fault. You were children. Even if it happened now, it still wouldn’t be your fault. Nothing you wore made it happen. Nothing you said made it happen. Nothing you did made it happen. It was your brother’s choice to commit that crime. Yes, crime. It wasn’t a mistake. It was a crime.

Know that it wasn’t okay. It wasn’t acceptable. While it happens in countless families, it’s not normal. It shouldn’t have happened. It wasn’t just a boy playing doctor, it wasn’t just a young boy who was curious. It was your brother and he committed a serious crime. It should not have been brushed off like it was.

I understand if you say you forgave him to save face. It’s okay if you actually haven’t. It’s okay to be bitter and angry with him. What he did was terrible. Older brothers are supposed to protect their younger sisters, they’re not supposed to abuse them. I hope that you’re able to find peace. I hope that in the midst of the storm of it being brought back up, you are able to find hope again. But it doesn’t mean you have to forgive him. I fully understand, oh how I understand, that fundamental Christianity taught you that you have to forgive him and act like nothing happened. But that’s not true. It’s okay if you haven’t. It’s okay if mentally, you want to drop him feet first into a corn grinder.

Above all, I hope you know you aren’t damaged goods. I hope you know that each and every one of you deserves love and hope and a man who treats you right. Everyone deserves that, but most of all people who have seen hell and back deserve it. I hope you know that despite all this, there’s a God who loves you and who weeps with you. I hope you understand that there is healing and hope again. And I hope you know that I pray for you. I pray you find hope. I pray you find peace. I pray that you find a way to create your life again – be it forgiveness or not, be it having a relationship with your brother or not. Whatever you choose, you’ve got to choose what’s right for you.

I’m so sorry your abuse and intimate life details are being displayed in the limelight. You did nothing to deserve that – it was the choice of your family to paint out your lives on TLC. I am so sorry that all these years later, it’s coming back to haunt you. All abuse survivors want that, but when we don’t find closure, we find life haunting us. I hope that one day, you get proper counseling and are able to heal.

I’m closing with the lyrics to one of my favorite songs.

Innocence – Seventh Day Slumber
Something I’m not supposed to talk about 
The way you violated me 
Something that I could’ve lived without 
The way you put your hands all over me 
I wonder do you lie awake and think at night? 
How you tore my innocence in two 
I wonder do you cry yourself to sleep at night? 
‘Cause I can tell you it’s what you made me do 

[Chorus:]
And I can’t get back my innocence 
I can’t get back my innocence 
how could you steal my innocence? 
how could you steal my innocence? 

Sometimes I think about what I would do 
If I ever saw your face again 
So many untold stories only you can tell 
Guess I’ll just let God contend with you 

[Chorus:]
And I can’t get back my innocence 
I can’t get back my innocence 
how could you steal my innocence? 
How could you steal my innocence? 
I can’t get back my innocence 
I can’t get back my innocence 
How could you steal my innocence? 
How could you steal my innocence? 

God gave me back my innocence 
God gave me back my innocence 
God gave my life back to me 
God gave me back my innocence