I found a reason for me to change who I used to be

Or: 100 reasons to live, part 3. See part 1 and part 2

20. Neil Patrick Harris. He’s cute, my first true celeb crush, he can sing, he and his partner may be the most ADORABLE gay couple ever. Look, NPH doing a scene from RENT, my favourite musical!!!

21. BUNNEHS. LITTLE BABY BUNNEHS.

the bunny, the bunny, whoah I love the bunny, i don’t love my mom or my dad just the bunny..

22. Texting. I like texting. Texting is fun. Dead people can’t text. 

23. Jimmy Johns.   Yummy sammichs. GF options. Win!
24. “Math, science, history, unraveling the mystery, that all started with a big BANG!” Come on, I’d miss Sheldon. Well, I can’t miss anything if I’m dead because I’m not able to miss things. But, you know, I could never joke about sitting in Sheldon’s spot. Or making fun of his Trek-ness. And Sheldon is a fun person to joke about. 
25. There’s still a lot of video game consoles I need to own. I can’t die before completing my mission of having a ton of old skool and new skool consoles, plus another Commodore. 
Iz floppy. And fun to play with. And just flop around. And get awesome looks for owning.

26. I have to defeat the odds and prove I can overcome all this junk. What a story I’ll have!

27. Shiny things. I like shiny things. Not just shiny pokemon, but other shiny things! 
28. Sunsets. Sunsets are beautiful, and it’s such a calm, peaceful time of evening.
29. The ocean. I’ve only seen the Atlantic. Gotta see the others! 
This is from one of my trips to Miami

30. Making random happy faces in random places. It’s fun and who knows? Maybe some sad person will see the happy face and then smile, right?

Y U B SAD? HAZ HAPPEH! 


this is your life, are you who you want to be?

I’m kind of freaked out at the moment. Okay, let’s rephrase that. I’m very freaked out. I very much want to go in the ministry. I want to teach, to reach, to help. But I don’t think that Director of Christian Outreach is right. I’m not made to witness to people! I can’t do these face to face convos, calling people to faith! I can’t help a pregnant woman, because I don’t fully believe that abortion is wrong. I can’t help a gay person, because I don’t know that it’s wrong to be gay and I’ve become more accepting of it over the years.

But how can I be a director of Christian outreach when bringing people into the church freaks me out? I don’t want to bring new people in – I want to help the ones who are here. I go into a cold sweat, panic, puke, cry, clam up, and my mind goes blank when I have to do this stuff – even though I know it all logically. I can do it over a messenger. But if i have to do it in person? It’s a living hell. I’m not made to do this! I want to teach! I want to read about Mark (my favourite gospel) and make it relatable! I want to play with children! I want to do young adult ministry! (I can’t deal with teenagers :P) I don’t want to pull new people into the church! I’m fine with helping the broken, Lord knows i want to help those who have been broken be it by the church or by life or both. But I’m not the one to pull them into a relationship with Christ.

I’ve been struggling with this for awhile. It doesn’t help that my eating disorder is out of control, it doesn’t help that my pain and depression and ADD are not medicated. (I go to pick up my Remeron  tomorrow). It doesn’t help that I’m struggling to pass math. It doesn’t help that I’m trying to find an apartment, move off campus, line up doctor’s appointments. And at times it feels like I’m doing it all single-handedly. It doesn’t help that I feel so stressed out.

It’s like I’m playing Pokemon, and I’m up against a trainer who has the attack that’s super effective against me. We’re down to a grass pokemon and a fire pokemon, and I have no other pokemon left other than my poor Leafeon and they’re kicking ass with Rapidash. I can’t flee from a trainer battle, and so attack after attack is hurled at me until I faint, until I black out.

Y U PICK ON ME? THAT NO IZ NICE.

Ahem. Anyway, I’m struggling with this. This is my life, is it who I want to be? I try to make the changes to make things better but it’s hard. And there are some things I cannot change. I guess it’s like the serenity prayer:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to accept the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.”
It just seems like such a struggle some days. Every attack is super effective, and wears me down more and more. I just don’t know what to do anymore and how to keep pulling through. 

100 Reasons For Living: Part 2

See part 1 here

11. BACON. Bacon is really, really yummy. It smells good, it tastes good, and HEY IT HAS PROTEIN. PROTEIN IS GOOD.

This little piggy will be my breakfast some day….

12. Psychology. I love studying it, I love learning about it, I love putting it into practice. It drives me, it makes my blood run, and it makes me so happy. Dead people can’t study psychology.

13. SCRUBS!!

14. Playing on playgrounds. Pretty sure the kiddies would be creeped out if a corpse went down the slide or if a zombie was swinging…
15. I am loved, I am accepted, I am wanted.
16. I have a story to tell and it hasn’t been told yet. Maybe I can cheer people up, inspire people ,leave a legacy with my story.
17. I haven’t been overseas yet. Gotta be alive to do that. Well, unless someone drops my ashes out of an airplane crossing the Pacific ocean. But that’s kind of morbid.
18. I’m still in college! I need a degree!
19. MARIO!! 
20. Dead people can’t ride horses and I want to ride horses again. 😀
U ride me, plz?

100 Reasons for Living: Part 1

1. Pokemon. After all, dying before I catch them all would just be depressing, now wouldn’t it?

That car is kind of badass.

2. Finally getting my drivers license! It may happen this summer!

3. Getting my own apartment for the first time. With an awesome friend.
4. My friends. They would be very sad pandas if I died suddenly. 
Steph says I can’t die until I’m in my 90s. 

5. Video game soundtracks. Seriously. They’re beautiful.

6. The feeling of walking barefoot outside. In the grass, in the sand, in the ocean… in the mulch. Anything but mud. Ick.
7. The feeling of the warm sun against your skin after the chilly spring.
8. Laughing so hard I cry.
9. I won’t be able to do this with a kitten anymore IF I’M FRICK FRACKING DEAD
10. It’s not my time yet. I still have so much to do in these world.