It feels like there’s nothing to say. It feels like so many other people have used the words and used them so much better than I can. There are things that certainly need to be said, but I don’t even know if I’m the right person to say them. I don’t know if I’m qualified enough. I don’t know if I’m smart enough. I don’t know if I’m eloquent enough. Needless to say, I struggle with words often (which is kind of funny for a blogger, I guess).
But then again, maybe for autistics speaking day I should write about how I sometimes don’t have words. Because that’s something I’m currently facing in my life. I feel like sometimes I gloss over the most difficult parts of being autistic – I talk about how I’m okay with it but I don’t feel like I talk with about what I struggle with as candidly. And so, here I am. Autistics speaking day. Talking about how speaking (or writing) is sometimes hard.
Something that has been noted in my life is that often when faced with having to deal with my emotions – I shut off. I can talk your ear off about Anime Fargo, video games, anime, or just about anything that isn’t related to my feelings or emotions. I will happily babble about what’s easy and advocacy. But when it comes to what’s real, when it comes to what’s raw, when it comes to my struggles… that’s a lot harder. It’s so easy to shut off to try to not deal with those things anymore.
But words. Sometimes there are words in my head, and they don’t match the words that come out of my mouth. I switch my words, I say the wrong thing – it’s almost like autocorrect in real life. The words just aren’t always right, and it’s difficult to accept that and be okay with it. But then when it comes to what’s most important in my life… allowing myself to say those things can be hard. I can often write about them, but verbally saying them? There’s a bit of disconnect there.
And here I am. Autistics speaking day 2018. As usual, I shut down some today when faced with emotions. I’m trying to learn how to navigate these and I’m trying to learn how to control it. It’s difficult and it’s painful – but it’s a part of life. Things don’t always have to be perfect. The words don’t always have to be right. I’t’s okay to struggle, and it’s even okay to not have words at times. Learning to accept that has been difficult for me, but I think in the end, it’s worth it.