As someone with psychiatric disabilities, something I’ve been asked a lot is “Nora, are you okay?” That is such a loaded question. Like, how do I define okay? What is okay? When am I not okay? How do I know if I’m okay or not? Are there levels of okay? What if what is okay one day is not okay another day?
I am so used to saying I’m fine, to saying I’m okay, to saying everything is awesome when in reality, it’s not. It’s hard – like, I may not be in acute crisis, but I also may not be okay, you know? Dealing with my brain, dealing with depression, dealing with anxiety… it’s just so hard sometimes.
What is okay?
What is fine?
How do I learn to define these things? I mean, it isn’t like my okay would be my best friend’s okay because okay is so relative.
And why are we so quick to jump to these things that are so abstract and near impossible to define? When okay can be fluid? When okay is literally impossible for me to define?
I don’t know if I’m okay. I don’t know if I’m fine. I don’t know what those words mean in context of my mental health. And I don’t know that that’s necessarily a bad thing?
There’s so many layers and feelings wrapped up inside the word okay. I’m a constant ball of anxiety, fueled by depression. I always feel like I’m teetering on a dangerous balance beam and the smallest little stub of the toe can send my entire world collapsing. There’s so many variables that are essential to my world being survivable – and when they’re not things quickly pile up.
I hate the weight of the word okay. I hate that I feel I have to be okay. I hate that I feel I have to have all my crap together and know what these things mean. Right now, I’m existing. I’m surviving. It’s what I am doing right now. It may not be okay, it may not be fine, but it’s where I am at this point in my life and that alone is enough.