That’s where my demons hide

We all battle our own demons. We all have our own fights, our own struggles, our own turmoil. And lately? Honestly? Things have been really hard. It’s hard for me to admit I’m not okay, it’s hard for me to admit things aren’t easily. I’m able to talk openly and candidly about my physical health. Talking about being autistic? That’s easy, too. But when it comes to my psychiatric disabilities, talking about the alphabet soup in my brain… that’s so much harder. I can allude to things and I can say things here and there, but being truly open and candid is hard as hell.

It’s becoming a problem in my day-to-day life. You see, my method of dealing with my emotions and feelings is the “fuck everything and run” method. I stuff my feelings down; I pretend my emotions don’t exist. While there is a time and place for that way of coping, it currently isn’t a good strategy. It winds up in things getting worse, spiraling more and more, etc.

And so here I am, being vulnerable. Admitting that right now? Things are hard. Things suck. Depression is kicking my ass, and I’m struggling to talk about it and the reasons why. Anxiety is consuming me. I feel trapped. I feel stuck. I’m afraid to be open. Why? The reasons are likely bullshit. It’s just my brain playing tricks on me. But I’m terrified to let people – even the ones I care about and the ones who care about me the most – in. I’m afraid of being judged, I’m afraid of being weird.

I hate that I feel I have to hide my demons. I hate that I feel I have to keep my struggles silent. I hate that so often, I try to downplay my mental health and not admit how things really are going.

If you feel like this, if you can relate to me, you’re not alone. People care, and people want to help. The thing is… we have to let them. I know, “Nora, you’re telling me to let people help when you’re admitting it’s hard for yourself!”

Well, yeah. It is hard for myself. But it’s something I’m learning that is okay to do, trying to get better at, and truly allow people to help me.

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