sometimes i’m quiet about things that matter

When I first became advocate!Nora, when I first became an attack badger…I fully threw myself into it. I lapped up every cause I cared about. I defended things to the death. I mean, you can kind of envision me sitting in front of my laptop/phone/tablet being all “FOR NARNIA! AND FOR ASLAN!” right? Or… you know, whatever my cause is. But you get the point. At the edge of my seat .Ready to fight. Ready to attack. Ready to defend.

You know the old song? Lean on me, when you’re not strong. I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on.  For so long, I’ve been the person to lean on. For so longer, I’ve been the person ready to defend, to speak out, to pounce, to say the things that matter. For so long, I’ve been so ready to be at fight me! mode that I forget to do things that are also important.

And so, sometimes I’m quiet about things that matter. Right now, we have a commander in chief who, well, many have very valid concerns about, to put it lightly. Concerns that could, and likely will, affect me and my livelihood. About people I love deeply and would truly do anything for (the “would do anything for” list is very small, though the “I will fight for you” list is hella long). And I’ve kept fairly quiet about it on Facebook.

I feel like people think I’m privileged because I haven’t been speaking out like they have. I’m not – I’m autistic, I’m disabled, I’m low income. There’s so much that matters. But like anyone, I burn out sometimes. And right now, I am quickly spiraling out of control.

Many of you know that I cling deeply to being a Hufflepuff and consider it an essential part of my identify. Right now, I am a burned Hufflepuff. I pull away. I retreat. I am burned out. Because right now, being quiet is an important part of self care. Right now, when I fully emerge myself in politics and whatnot, I make myself physically ill. And my already fragile health cannot handle that. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. It doesn’t mean I’m not affected. It means I’ve learned the lesson of saying no and I’ve learned the lesson of when to speak. You know, like the Bible verse. A time to speak, a time to be silent.

It doesn’t mean I will be quiet forever. It doesn’t mean I no longer care about politics, the world, my friends, or being an advocate. It means that right now, I have to be silent about things that matter. It means that right now, the right step for me is taking care of myself and those closest to me. One day, I will be an outspoken advocate again. One day, I will say all the things again. But that day is not today, and today I am taking care of myself.

Leave a Reply