It’s been 11 months. 

It’s been 11 months since Beth died. 
I just want time to stop. 

I just want the grief to stop. 

I just want the emotions to stop. 

I don’t want it to be one year. 

It’s already been longer that I haven’t talked to her. 

I want to talk to her. 

So badly. 

I want the tears to stop. 

The pain. 

How is this fair?

What happened? 

Why did she have to die?

Why?

I feel so lost without her. 

It hurts. It really really hurts. 

Part of the reason my middle name is now Isabelle is because Isabelle is related to the name Elizabeth. And it’s a way to carry her with me. Forever. 

But why. 

Why did she die. 

I still cry when I see cinnamon or pumpkin spice flavored things. 

I still cry when I see a meme I’d share. 

I still cry when I’m in the hospital alone and my texting buddy is gone. 

I still cry. 

I’m still lonely. 

And I miss her. 

I don’t want it to be my birthday this year. I don’t want to celebrate. I just want to skip from the 23rd to the 27th.  

Because it means two days later will be the one year mark.

And I’m just not ready. 

I close my eyes, and I see your face. If home’s where my heart is, then I’m out of place. 

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