Laziness

Right now, if you could see me, you likely wouldn’t hesitate to call me lazy. I’ve got a sink of dirty dishes. There’s a bit of clutter on the floor. I’ve got my laptop propped up on my legs as I lay in bed watching Pawn Stars on Hulu. I’ve not done anything productive today despite having a laundry list of people to call and places to email. I have so much stuff I should be doing, but quite frankly, I’m not.

To the outside eye, I’m lazy. I’m capable of picking up my PS3 controller and playing a game, or booting up my computer to surf Facebook. Surely, if I can do these things, it means I’m lazy for not doing the others, right? Surely, if I am able to make a cup of coffee (which I actually failed in doing today. Yeah, I can’t even successfully make coffee. Go team Annora), I can safely cook food, right?

What about getting single serve foods? I admit to buying prepackaged foods because they’re easier to cook and there are less dishes. I get backlash for this – it’s so bad for the Earth! It’s so lazy! But what is worse – doing something that makes my already difficult life a bit easier, or merely not eating? Because, as absurd as it sounds, that’s often what it boils down to.

But I don’t know that I agree that it’s laziness. To you, it looks lazy. As I sit in bed sipping my Diet Pepsi, trying to get my ADHD brain to be less zippy, munching on pretzels because I don’t have the energy to get real food… it looks lazy, right?

But in really, it’s executive functioning problems. For me, it isn’t as simple as just saying “OK, I need to call the social security office and I need to email my case worker.” I have to write up a script and come up with possible scenarios. I have to brace myself because I have a fear of phones. I cannot just suck it up and do it. By doing this, I am developing autistic burnout and pretending to be neurotypical. And as a result, I am unable to get anything done. I try to barrel though and pretend I’m Super NT Girl and can handle it all, but the truth is I cannot and unless I do things my own way at my own pace, I burn out and nothing gets done.

I don’t know that I truly believe laziness is a thing. Lack of motivation? Maybe, but I think that’s because of outside factors. Depression, anxiety, illness, etc. I want to do things. I want to be productive. But the simple truth is, I can’t. I’m not lazy for taking things at my own pace and doing them my own way.

I’m simply me.

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