If only it were a choice

Image is of me wearing my reading glasses, plopped sickly on the bathroom floor with my golden torbie-kitty Athena plopped on my back.

Image is of me wearing my reading glasses, plopped sickly on the bathroom floor with my golden torbie-kitty Athena plopped on my back. This picture was taken in May.

Soon, I will write about my trip. Soon, I will share pictures of my trip. But today, today I am sick. Today I am in pain. Today I feel awful.  Today, I want to badly to feel normal. More than anything, I crave normal.  More than anything, I crave living a life without pain. Right now? Right now it is 5:54 am. The medication I need to feel human, the medication I need to not feel as much pain, the medication to stop the swelling form my bug bite, the medication I need so I don’t cough when I lay down, that’s across the room. And even though it’s only ten steps away, right now it’s far. It might as well be ten miles. It might as well be forever away. And that’s just the physical side. Emotionally and mentally, the energy is gone too. It’s so much more than physical. It’s so much more than being thirsty. It’s not being lazy – I hate the lukewarm bottle of water beside me. But I’m too sick to get up and get some cold water.

This life isn’t a choice. I can’t count the number of people who have told me how lucky I am. How nice it must be to be able to sit around and do nothing all day. To watch all the Netflix I want. To play all the video games I want. But my life? My life is hardly doing nothing.

I won my battle with social security. Victory number 1. I am fighting for my Medicaid and Food Stamps back, thanks to a screw up I made (I flipped my housing and Medicaid deadlines). My days are spent making phone calls, avoiding phone calls, sending emails, avoiding emails, shuttling to doctors. And trying to actually enjoy life in-between. Doing the things outside my apartment, hell, outside my TOWN that I love doing so badly.  But right now?

I can’t even get up to get my own medication and water. I can’t get up because it hurts too much. If I move ever so slightly, oh, holy ow.

If only it were a choice. If only I could choose to be happier. If only I could choose for the pain to go away. It would be so much easier, wouldn’t it?

But that’s not how my life works.

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