Remember, remember, the ninth of… May?

May ninth is kind of a shitty day for me. Four years ago today, I had the first of my back surgeries. One year ago today, I was supposed to graduate.

I didn’t graduate. And my back surgery hurt. Recovery was a bitch. It resulted in a second surgery two years later that I still haven’t fully recovered from.

And not even a year after that second surgery, I withdrew from college. Possibly to never go back. Only a semester and a half away from graduation – I was set to walk in the May ceremony and officially complete my degree in December.

It didn’t happen. And it’s hard. And it sucks. Some day I dream of graduation – some day I dream of going back. But right now, with my mental and physical health, it just isn’t an option.

And it’s just…it’s heartbreaking that one day hold so much for me. I wish I could pretend it doesn’t exist. I wish I could just throw my arms in the air and give up. Because I’m sick of this pain, physical and mental. I’m sick of the way things are.

It’s not what I hoped. What I dreamed. What I wanted. My life is so far away from that so called ideal… and I hate it.

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