I am tired of mental illness having such a stigma. It feels like saying “I have depression” is open season.
Oh, you have depression?
Drink less caffeine. Eat more veggies. Go gluten free (newsflash: I am). Get more sunshine! Give up those evil meds, don’t let big pharma get you!
Oh, big pharma. The cursed big pharma.
This so-called big pharma is the reason I’m alive. Yes, I had an extreme reaction to Cymbalta two years ago (that’s another blog entry!). But my current medication mix? It’s the reason I’m alive. It’s the reason I am functional.
Medications aren’t a bad thing. Medications aren’t evil or wrong. Just because my brain needs a little poke to keep going, doesn’t mean I’m broken.
I hate how when people find out you medicate for depression, you get the side eye. I take my inhalers for my asthma. I take my medication to stop me from puking constantly. It’s not much different to take a medication to stop my brain from being off-kilter.
Oh, the faith card. I’ve cried. I’ve wept. I’ve yelled at God, wondering why He chose this path for me. Wondering why He allows me to be depressed. To the people who say “oh, just have faith?” I’d like to give you a big middle finger. I’ve had faith. I’ve trusted God. And for whatever reason, I’m still this way.
For whatever reason. It’s a hard thing to accept, but it’s the way it is. It doesn’t mean that I am broken, that my faith is broken, that I’m not good enough. It doesn’t mean any of those things.
Just because I’m depressed doesn’t mean I’m sad. It’s so much more than that. It’s an overwhelming darkness. You know that feeling where you’re not quite sad, but you feel hopeless and bleak? Imagine that on a constant basis. Add in fuzzy brain. Add in wanting snap out of it, but it’s impossible.
You know the feeling where you wake up, and you’re warm and cozy in bed and don’t want to move? Try taking that, but add WANTING to move but not being able to, because the world is so dark and bleak.
I wish it was easier. To the people who tell me to snap out of it, to have more faith and it’ll change, don’t you think I wish I COULD?