what i wish you understood

what i wish you understood
i’m not flaky. i’m not lazy. i may call myself those things and i may feel that way in the moment.
but i’m not. i don’t have control over this.
do you think i like being on two dozen medications?
do you think i like being so sick i can’t even watch tv or play video games? and that this happens on a regular basis?
do you think i like battling insurance for coverage for meds or doctors, or even just to have it? do you think i like not having my waiver right now?
do you think i like living in a messy apartment? god, i would do anything to be healthy enough to clean it. healthy enough to make it better.
do you think i like having my days and nights flipped?
what i wish you understood…
do you think i like being such a picky eater? between my texture issues and my dietary restrictions, don’t you think i’d change it if i could?
i wish i wasn’t this way. i wish i could make it different.
i wish you could see.
i wish that you knew.
i wish that it was different.
do you think i like it?
do you think this is the life i would have chosen for myself?
but yet. but yet.
you think i’m flaky. you think i’m lazy. you think i don’t care about you and only think of myself. you think that i’m unreliable.
every time i have to cancel plans because i’m literally too sick to move, it breaks my heart. i weep. or other times, i would weep, but i’m actually too sick to cry because it would make me sicker.
do you think i enjoy this? i would do anything to be healthy.
i would do anything to go back to school. i would do anything to not be this way.
but i can’t change it.
instead sometimes i go days without eating, because my body rejects it. days without sleep, because my body rejects it. days without speaking to anyone, days without social interactions, because i literally cannot.
who would choose this life? who would want it?
why do you think i’m doing it just to make it harder for you?
why do you think these things? don’t you realize how much it hurts me? don’t you realize how much i hate it? don’t you realize that i would change it all, in a heartbeat, if i could?
do you think i enjoy the looks? the stares? the constant questions? for some reason, having a visible disability makes it open season.
i can try to have all the sarcastic and witty remarks, but they can fall in the moment.
i am sick of dealing with ableist bullshit. i am sick of dealing with people who think they know my life better than me.
i am sick of all of it. and i can’t keep pretending that it is okay.

because it isn’t.

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