I wonder what could be so tragic, make you want to take your life

It’s hard to see beyond your pain, when you feel so dead inside. It’s hard to see what you’ve been given, it’s hard to see the hope in life. And I know it’s hard to take what’s happening, and I know life is tough sometimes. And I know it seems like there’s no hope for you, and I know that your life is worth more than you can see. 

This is a Christian song by Seventh Day Slumber. It quite literally saved my life junior year of high school. I didn’t really like the Jesus-y parts as much (and they’re there, trust me) but the second verse and this chorus helped so much. The worst of my high school depression was the 2004-2005 school year. I went from private school to home schooled. I lived with my abusive father. I had very few friends and found solace on message boards. I was in the deepest parts of self injury… most of my pictures from that time frame involve long sleeves. And yet, this song carried me through. This song reminded me that there was hope beyond the horizon. That you know, it’s okay that things suck right now. Sometimes life just sucks and kicks you in the ass. And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. But at the same time, it’s going to get better. It won’t always be these bleak.

Right now, I’m in the midst of another dark depression. I’ve had a few truly dark times – 11th grade, early 2009, the Great Cymbalta Nightmare, and now. It’s bad. I’ve been playing medication roulette.

Things are bleak. Things are dark. I’m in a battle for my services. I’m in a battle for the things I need to live, to enjoy life, to have quality. It sucks. I wouldn’t wish this nightmare on anybody. And it’s the life I have. It’s the life I’ve been handed. And I don’t know why.

But perhaps one day the new dawn will come. Perhaps I’ll find hope again? Right now, I just don’t know.

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