So when the whole world turns against me and I’m all by myself, and I can’t hear You answer my cries for help. I’ll remember the suffering Your love put You through… and I will go through the darkness if You want me to

I spent three years at a private Christian school. We often won character awards or fruit of the spirit awards. Without fail, I was always the one to win the faithfulness reward. The one who had a steadfast faith. Friends, adults in my life, everyone would comment on how strong and unshakable my faith was.

I am very much a cradle Christian. I was dedicated into the Nazarene church at a very young age. I’ve had a vast amount of Bible knowledge and have kicked ass at Bible trivia since I could read. Back then, I thought my faith couldn’t be shaken. Back then, I thought my faith was the only sure thing in my life.

Lately these days, I find myself becoming disenchanted with the notion of Christianity. And it scares me. I haven’t been to church in over a year. It’s sad and depressing, really. How did my once unshakable faith become so shaken?

And I find myself wondering if God is even wanting of me anymore. If God even desires me. After all, my arms have scars I created myself. I have used food as a way to hurt my body. I’m broken. Physically and emotionally. What could God want to do with me?

It’s hard. I find myself wanting to yell at God and call Him a few select names. I find my health falling apart and no one knowing why. I find my physical and emotional health in shambles.

I find myself questioning how He could be strong enough to fix me. Which is kind of silly if you think about it. Why am I questioning the one who formed me himself? I mean, hello, God sees me even when I’m pooping. If he’s okay with that, why am I so worried that he won’t take me “as is”?

Why do I question if the One who was by my side during every appointment, even if I didn’t feel Him, is strong enough? Why do I question if the One who was strong enough to give up His own, only beloved Son is strong enough to fix me?

There’s a peace I’ve come to know, though my heart and flesh may fail
There’s an anchor for my soul, I can say “it is well”
Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed
Victory is won, He is risen from the dead
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on Eagle’s wings
Before my God, fall on my knees

The thing is, my heart and flesh will fail. I’ll fall victim to my emotions, to my mortal desires, to my physical health. But there is one thing that won’t fail – Jesus blood never failed me yet, never failed me yet. There’s one thing I know that He loved me so.

I may have failures in life. I may screw up. I may watch every aspect of my health fall to pieces. I may struggle with my faith. But you know what?

It’s all a part of life.

I hear the Saviour say, “thy strength indeed is small
Child of weakness, watch and pray, find in me thine all in all.”
Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow

Lord, now indeed I find, Thy power and Thine alone
Can change the leaper’s spots and melt the heart of stone
Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow

And when before the throne, I stand in Him complete
Jesus died my soul to save, my lips still repeat
Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe
Sin had a left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow

Oh praise the one who paid my debt!
And raised me up from the dead

One thought on “So when the whole world turns against me and I’m all by myself, and I can’t hear You answer my cries for help. I’ll remember the suffering Your love put You through… and I will go through the darkness if You want me to

  1. I have yelled and screamed at God, and called him names you might have not thought of yet. I have walked the bitter path of disillusionment and despair. I have been dragged through the mud by my depression and addiction. I have fallen so many times, sometimes wondering if i would ever have the strength to rise.
    I have loved and hated the church, and often hated myself.
    I can tell you a couple of things God never gives up, even if I do. His love never fails, even when i do, he is the one who turns tears to laughter.
    I have come to know some of his love, and it set me free and healed me. I love Jesus.
    He has turned my path from one of despair to joy and purpose. I serve him with my life. I work with kids who are broken and addicts without hope. It is a privilege to serve Jesus in this way. i can only love because i first recieved love
    keep searching, and keep hoping

    J

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