And if that’s luck, it comes at much too high a cost

So many times in my life I have been told that I am lucky. That I am lucky to be living on SSI and not have to work or that I’m lucky to be able to just stay in bed all day. If only all those people who told me how lucky I am knew the price it came at. If only those people who told me how lucky I am knew what the cost was of being this way.

There are days where yes, I am in bed all day, but I am in too much pain to read, to play a video game, to even get on my laptop or the tablet. There are days when I am in so much pain I can barely interact with my cat. And yes, there are days when I just stay in bed reading or playing on my laptop…but those days I also have to choose between having enough energy to get up and eat or get up and use the bathroom. Is that lucky? I don’t know.

I may be able to get all my student loan debt forgiven. Again, lucky? Maybe – I am grateful for that. But the price would be that I am far too disabled to work, to go to school, to have a productive life. I may be living on SSI and not have to work, but I’m not physically able to work. It isn’t even an option for me.
In college, I got told that I was lucky to get extended time and extra class skips. I was lucky to have professors who, for the most part, worked with me. But really? Lucky? Lucky to wake up in so much pain I can’t move, or even cry from pain because it hurts too much to cry?  Lucky to not know how much I will be able to function when I wake up?

I know most people don’t understand. They can’t. And I don’t think they realize how much simple words can hurt or the weight they carry. But it doesn’t change how it makes me feel. And it doesn’t change how terrible it is to have the world think you’re lucky, when in reality it takes every amount of effort to get through each day.

I may be lucky, but it comes at a price.

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