you’re feeling sad, you’re feeling lonely, and no one seems to care

Over the summer, my awesome, amazing psychiatrist left the clinic. I was turned out to find one on my own. One I found one that was taking new patients and took my insurance, it was December for my intake. My actual psych appointment wasn’t until March 4. And then he started me on Cymbalta.

Since then, it’s been a living nightmare. My depression gradually got worse. I called when I was supposed to bump it up to 60 mg from 30 mg informing them, they told me to just stick it out. The prior authorization has not been done. Bumping it up to 60 increased my chronic pain and spiraled me so deep into depression I started having suicidal thoughts. Just getting out of bed is currently a struggle.

I saw pain management on Wednesday. They asked how I was tolerating the Cymbalta, I told them it was making my pain and depression worse. I was told that I just *thought* I was more depressed and depressed, because I wasn’t acting depressed. That comment, as stupid as I know it was, pushed me further down because I feel like my doctors don’t care and don’t take me seriously.

It sucks to deal with depression. It sucks to deal with chronic pain. It sucks when both are acting up at the same time, and your damn doctors don’t take you seriously. My physical therapist, thank goodness, is looking into getting me pain meds as I scored 71% on the disability index. I need them. But that doesn’t help the depression. I am going to go through withdrawl next week, because the prior auth has not been done and the med is FREAKING EXPENSIVE.

I’m scared. I’m really scared. I haven’t been this depressed in a long time, and it could be a long ass fight to see a doctor again. He wanted me back in 3-4 weeks, the next opening was TEN WEEKS away. I likely can’t find a new one in that period of time. I’m scared. I’m terrified. I hate how this is making me feel,  but when I don’t take it I feel fuzzy and out-of-body and weird. But I’m going to have to, because I’m going to have to stop cold turkey. I’m scared of what’s going to happen to me. I’m worried about the future.I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. I’m terrified.

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