And I know, you won’t feel this way forever

Not even a month ago, I was started on a new antidepressant. Before I was trapped in depression. Trapped.

But now things are looking up. I’m having horrible side effects, but maybe my nice shrink with a southern accent can find a similar one or maybe he can find something to counteract them.

There is just one week left of classes. One week!! It’s at this lovely state in the semester where things are just not going all that well..

But it doesn’t mean things are going poorly. I’m at my breaking point stress wise, but things are looking up. It doesn’t mean things are perfect, but it means they are looking up. Things won’t always be this way. 
Some days are still terrible. Some days I feel like relasping into self injury. I know, I know, it sounds silly and maybe it is. I recently passed the ten year mark from the first time I cut. I still remember that day, still remember it so clearly. And for so long, I thought I was so clever. That I was masking my pain. That I was dealing with my pain. That I had my own little secret way of dealing with the world, hidden under my shirt sleeves. But I was young, I was naive. I didn’t know, couldn’t know, wouldn’t know that by masking the pain, when it came to surface, it only got worse. And so, when once one cut would suffice, now it would take two. Then three. Then four. Until my arms looked horrible. Until I had to move to my legs. And as much as I would welcome the nirvana, the bittersweet Ecstasy of cutting again… it’s not worth it. At times I think the break from the pain would be worth it, then I’d deserve it coming back so much.
But the thing is? I don’t deserve pain. For years, and I admit, some days I still do, it feels like  it was all my fault. Maybe if I had been a better behaved child. Maybe if I had been cuter. Maybe if I would have run away. Maybe if I would have done drugs. Maybe if I would have drank. Maybe if I would have told someone what my father was doing instead of hiding it, even denying it for years. Maybe if I would have fought back. I had so many chances in high school to say what my dad was doing. There was the time I fell apart in youth group, and one of the sponsors asked if everything was okay at home. There were the countless doctor appointments that asked if I was safe at home. There were the teachers that reached out to me.
The thing was, I was young and I was scared. Would people have believed me? Would things have gotten worse had I told? I don’t know. But the thing is, it’s not my fault. It wasn’t my fault. It was never my fault.


And even if, for some reason, it was my fault, it doesn’t make any of it okay. It doesn’t make my childhood okay, even if I did mess up at times. It doesn’t make what my dad did right, not remotely. And even if my actions DID cause him to act that way, it wasn’t right. Not in any way shape or form.

That said, I started this blog taking one track, and it took another. Things are looking up. I’m finding hope again. Moreso, I’m enjoying things again. I’m not playing games just as an escape, but I’m enjoying them. It’s the little things. I’m starting to sleep again, even! Sleep is good. Usually.

And now I’m going to play Final Fantasy 8 and talk on MSN for a bit before going to bed early, so tomorrow I can talk on MSN, clean, and do homework. So I can do what I love on Sunday and play music in church then come home and study and clean. I’m going to close this entry with lyrics to one of my favourite songs. ^_^

Spoken – Promise.
(Verse 1)
Yet another day seems like its wasted
You don’t feel youre any closer to the prize
A dead end job where there’s no future
Praying that tomorrow things wont be this way

(Chorus)
Things will get better this I promise you
And I know that you won’t feel this way forever
Things will get better this I promise you
And I know loneliness wont last forever

(Verse 2)
Yet another day, another tired morning
You’re catching up to your intentions
Your’e thinking life has to be easier than this
Maybe tomorrow things wont be this way

(Chorus)
Things will get better this I promise you
and I know it won’t feel this way forever
Things will get better this I promise you
and I know we can find a way to make it better
things will get better this I promise you 

(Outro)
Things will get better this I promise you
And I know it won’t feel this way forever
Things will get better this I promise you
And I know loneliness won’t last forever
Things will get better this I promise you
And I know things will get better this I promise you
And I know things will get better this I promise you
And I know loneliness won’t last forever

One thought on “And I know, you won’t feel this way forever

  1. So, remember on October 21, 2011, you were all "It's been six years and I should be over this now," and I said "You'll get there on your own terms, you'll knock down those walls when you're ready" and all that stuff?

    You're there, my friend. Keep going, and don't look back! (And bring the sledgehammer.) 🙂

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