“I cannot find my voice.”

I have this habit of locking down inside myself. Oh, there is so much happening. Images dancing in my head, sights, smells, sounds, twisting together, tangling, intertwined. It’s safer to stay silent. It’s safer not to speak. I’m afraid to speak out. Speaking out senior year and being shushed solidified that fear. I was only eighteen. I was a senior in high school. And I was heartbroken. I wouldn’t wish the choices I made that cold October morning to my worst enemy. But yet, the choices let me to where I am today.

I’ve grown so much since my senior year. I should hope so, considering I’ll have graduated six years ago come June. Six years is a long time, and even as I got my diploma that warm June evening, I had no idea the changes that would come over the next few years. I had no idea I would legally be declared disabled before 21. I had no idea I would sever ties with my mother as well. I had no idea that I would be called into the ministry. I had no idea I wouldn’t finish college in Canada and that in 2012 I’d still be working on my undergraduate degree. I had no idea I’d live in frick-fracking MINNESOTA where it’s frick-fracking cold. I had no idea I’d still be battling PTSD, cutting, eating disorder… I suppose I thought it’d magically stop, but NEWSFLASH: IT WON’T.

I had no idea that both my grandparents would die before I completed my undergraduate degree. I had no idea that I would make beautiful friendships, meet my future best friends, and go through heart-wrenching grief. I had no idea of any of that.

I had no idea at age 24 people would STILL think I’m 14. Heh. Funnily enough, side story. I was on my way to a doctor’s appointment and I mentioned how I still had a specialist at the Children’s Hospital. “Oh, you could easily pass for 14.” Me: “Mmhmm.” “You’ll like  more as you get closer to your 30’s!” *silence* “I’m 24.” “WHAT?!” “Yeah, I’ll be 25 in June.” “….” “You’re not 18?” 18 is the oldest I’ve been mistaken for in awhile, so I suppose that should make my happy. Anyway. Done with the side story.

Tori Amos said in her song “sometimes I hear my voice and it’s been here, silent all these years.” Problem is, I don’t hear my voice. Sure, I blog and I write and I talk. But I bottle so much up. I keep so much inside me. And I don’t know how to pull it out. There are things about my past that repulse me, that I haven’t told anyone. And it scares me that it’s there. And I don’t want to talk about it because I’m afraid people, even those who want to help me so badly, won’t like me anymore. Will think horrible things. Won’t understand. And so, I carry the burden.

When will I realize how stupid that is?
When will I realize how dumb that is?
When will I find the way to pull out my voice and be strong?

2 thoughts on ““I cannot find my voice.”

  1. This is just my opinion, but, I think you've opened up more than you realize. Even if you don't feel like you're opening up enough or much at all, you still are, and you open up a little more each day — to your friends, and in this blog to complete strangers all over the world. Sometimes it's okay to not open up right away and share everything; sometimes opening up slowly makes it easier to release those parts of your past you've bottled up all these years. It's like in Scrubs, where Carla tells the Janitor that he's gotta "dole out the crazy in little pieces, not all at once!" 🙂

    I sympathize with you on opening up about the past, though. While we may not have the same demons, there are things about my past that I am not proud of, either. And they're really stupid things to feel guilty about, things that "normal" people would just accept and move on. But I don't forget, I don't move on easily. I obsess over the coulda-shoulda-wouldas. I can't imagine sharing those moments with even my future husband because of how guilty/stupid I feel about their occurrences. I would love to just blurt them out to SOMEONE, because talking about them would ease, if not remove, the guilt I've felt all these years. But getting past the belief that I would be looked down upon for these things, that's the tough part.

    Thing is, we just have to believe it will happen someday. Maybe the demons won't go away completely, but rather they'll just be easier to overcome as time goes by. Like navigating Rainbow Road in Mario Kart: Double Dash — you race it enough, you get to a point where you know every twist and curve and where every speed boost is, so it's like "Meh, I've done this before, this is so easy." We'll know our demons well enough to beat them with ease each time they try to come up. 🙂

    I'll finish my super-long comment with that Scrubs scene I mentioned earlier: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKRSKoyUsGA 🙂

  2. I love how we related everything to Pokemon, Scrubs, or Mario somehow. XD

    It's hard – I don't realize I open up even though I do. Interesting!

    Life just needs a "blah" button that we push when we just all babble out our stupid stuff from the past. 😛

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