Me? Stubborn? Naw, ‘ya don’t say.

Whoever coined the phrase “Stubborn as a mule” clearly had me in mind.

I remember in 2007 being asked what my best trait is.

“I’m STUBBORN.”
“You mean assertive, right? Stubborn is a bad thing.”
*pause*
“Nope, I’m stubborn.”

It’s true – I’m fiercely stubborn. I don’t like change, I don’t like things being different in any way, shape, or form. I like things just the way they are.

And so I cling onto – be it bad or be it good. And in a very sad way, my stubbornness hinders my recovery of depression, ptsd, and ED-NOS. How does it hinder it? Because in many ways, I’m just too stubborn to change. Things the way they are aren’t great, but it’s all I know. And I like what I know, even if it’s not ideal. I like the predictability of the way I sometimes run things, and I feel that if I keep things that way, it’s for the best.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be stubborn. There are times when it’s a really good skill, such as when people are being a pain in the butt and you just need to get something done. It channels into determination sometimes. Thing is – I’m stubborn about things that I shouldn’t be stubborn about.

I think my stubbornness helped me survive my childhood, but now I need to find a different coping skill and a different way to control things. I’m a control freak, I’ll fully admit it, and it goes along with being stubborn. I’m well known for pushing myself way too far, because I want to prove I CAN do it, even when I’m sick as a dog or crawling in pain and really should be curled up in bed with a piping hot cup of tea and reruns of Fraiser. But yet – I want to prove to people that I’m capable and that I WILL do things my way, dammit!

It’s not a healthy mindset. I need to learn that it’s OK to listen to other people’s advice and sometimes being stubborn is a bad thing. Sometimes I do have to let someone else take the reins, and trust that things will turn out okay if I don’t do things exactly how I plan.

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