December 3, 2004.
3:43 AM Eastern Standard Time
“sometimes, i just want to give up. i just want to scream. and cry. just to avoid the look in people’s eyes. just to avoid the look in people’s eyes. it’s why i hate talking to people, you see the pity in their eyes, not only pity, but concern, but love…
Did I say I hate love? I really don’t know. I hate pity. I have having people worried about me, and concerned. And love…it almost scares me. I’m not talking about a boyfriend “oh my gosh you’re so cute” love, or a grandmotherly “I want to squish you” love, I mean a more of..compassion? a more of I care about you, Angelique love. and in a way, it does scare me. having people love me. having people care about me. That honestly is a scary thing, because if I screw up, I have people who will be worried about me, because they do care. If I show them how much I’m hurting, I have people who will be worried about me, because they do care.
and it’s just…I don’t know. I don’t even know anything anymore. Well, I know stuff, saying I don’t know anything is like saying a fish doesn’t know how to swim. and I just want to break down. and let someone hold me, and let me tell them what all has been eating at me. and it just seems…like I can’t. like there’s a wall.
And I know I’ve always been one to build up walls. I’ve built up walls for so long, I don’t know if there’s anyway to tear them down.”
I wrote this 7 years ago. I was 17, homeschooled, and still living with my father. This was before all the shit hit the fan.
I wonder the same thing this days about love. And walls. Do I put up walls to protect myself, or do I put them up to protect the ones I love? Do I really love? Love still scares me so much. To allow myself to be loved, and allow myself to love. To be that vulnerable, that open, that free with someone. I don’t know that I can allow myself to do that… and it scares me because I almost like my walls. They’re not the best for me, but they’re safe.
How do I tear down and allow myself to be vulnerable?