So tired that I couldn’t even sleep

December 3, 2004.
3:43 AM Eastern Standard Time

“sometimes, i just want to give up. i just want to scream. and cry. just to avoid the look in people’s eyes. just to avoid the look in people’s eyes. it’s why i hate talking to people, you see the pity in their eyes, not only pity, but concern, but love…

Did I say I hate love? I really don’t know. I hate pity. I have having people worried about me, and concerned. And love…it almost scares me. I’m not talking about a boyfriend “oh my gosh you’re so cute” love, or a grandmotherly “I want to squish you” love, I mean a more of..compassion? a more of I care about you, Angelique love. and in a way, it does scare me. having people love me. having people care about me. That honestly is a scary thing, because if I screw up, I have people who will be worried about me, because they do care. If I show them how much I’m hurting, I have people who will be worried about me, because they do care.

and it’s just…I don’t know. I don’t even know anything anymore. Well, I know stuff, saying I don’t know anything is like saying a fish doesn’t know how to swim. and I just want to break down. and let someone hold me, and let me tell them what all has been eating at me. and it just seems…like I can’t. like there’s a wall.

And I know I’ve always been one to build up walls. I’ve built up walls for so long, I don’t know if there’s anyway to tear them down.”
I wrote this 7 years ago. I was 17, homeschooled, and still living with my father. This was before all the shit hit the fan.

I wonder the same thing this days about love. And walls. Do I put up walls to protect myself, or do I put them up to protect the ones I love? Do I really love? Love still scares me so much. To allow myself to be loved, and allow myself to love. To be that vulnerable, that open, that free with someone. I don’t know that I can allow myself to do that… and it scares me because I almost like my walls. They’re not the best for me, but they’re safe.

How do I tear down and allow myself to be vulnerable?

3 thoughts on “So tired that I couldn’t even sleep

  1. Bah, I have so much to say about this, but I don't know where to start! I may have to write a blog post about your questions.

    I guess, all I'll say for now is, there are different levels of vulnerability, and each level is different for everyone. There's a level of vulnerability, for example, when you're simply participating in a class discussion: Some people find it quite easy to voice their opinions and get a great discussion going; others find it hard to jump in with their own thoughts, whether they're scared to share, or are enjoying the current discussion, etc.. When I was in school, I always struggled with class participation. I constantly worried that I would sound stupid or not make sense, so I usually stayed quiet and listened. There was less risk of feeling stupid involved with staying quiet.

    I think that's why it's hard to be vulnerable in different situations: It's all about taking chances. Depending on the risk involved, you feel safer by not taking the risk at all, because you're less likely to be hurt. While this may seem like a good idea, you're hurting yourself anyway! What is there to learn about yourself if you're always taking the safe way out? How can others learn about you? How else do you learn to open up to people, if not by knocking down your walls, and opening up?

    Of course, knocking down those walls isn't an easy matter, either. Nothing about vulnerability is easy. So, don't worry that you're having trouble. Learning how to be vulnerable is a challenge for everyone at one point or another. Whether it's being open with a group of strangers, or a close friend or lover, it's a struggle. I'm still learning how to do it, myself. It's definitely not something that can be learned overnight. I mean, you can have all the trust in the world in someone, but the real challenge is trusting yourself to reveal a part of yourself to them.

  2. The good news? It gets easier. It gets SO much easier the more you open up, even if it's a little bit at a time. I promise. 🙂

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