After all this time? Always.

It’s been five years since my grandfather died. Five years this past August. And I still miss him. I miss him I miss him I miss him. He was the closest thing to a father I had. I recently found this piece I wrote sometime in 2007. Maybe it was an essay. Maybe it was a monologue. I have no clue what it was, but I feel that it’s something I want on my blog so here it is.

A Ladybug’s Lament – written summer 2007.
It’s been nearly a year since you lost the war. Times flies faster than what you expect, and the pain is still as strong. Although the war was lost, the battle was won. You were strong – a trooper, a warrior, a soldier.

You always kept your morale high. Even when you were at your sickest, you’d still have the strength to tease me. You’d always have something to say to make me laugh. You might of never said the words “I love you” to me, but you did it without speaking.

You are my inspiration. You were always humble; you always had something good to say about people. When I think about giving up in this world, I think about you and how you didn’t give up. I remind myself of how you were a fighter – and that is what I want to be.

I can’t believe it’s been so long. Do you have any idea how many lives you touched with your gentle sense of humor and your loving ways? You had a way of touching every life you came in contact with. You touched the doctors who treated you and you touched the family who loved you. You touched those who just stopped in to say hello.

I have always been told that home is where the heart is. However, my heart is broken because you’re not here to make it “home” anymore. You always fixed things for me when I was little. Can you fix my heart this time?

You’re in a better place, and I rejoice for that. You no longer have the chains of cancer pulling you down. Are you turning cartwheels down the golden streets? I always longed to be able to do a cartwheel. Will you do a few for me? One day, I’ll join you. Together, we’ll terrorize the angels and swing on the pearly gates. We’ll be united again, and you can torment me once more.

Every time I see a ladybug, I think of you. I know when I see a ladybug somewhere, that you’re there watching me. I know it is your way of saying you are still here with me. Even though you’re gone, your spirit still lives on inside of those ladybugs. I don’t believe in reincarnation. However, I have to wonder as I see those ladybugs if it is not actually you. Perhaps you are simply sending them from Heaven, as a sign that you are okay. They are a sign that you are still thinking of me, your “little maple leaf.”

“It don’t matter where you bury me, I am home and I am free. It don’t matter where I lay, all my tears be washed away.” (Jars of Clay, “All My Tears”). I often feel bad that we couldn’t provide a better burial for you. We gave you what we had. I feel bad that there’s not a proper tombstone at your grave. These trivial things don’t matter in the big spectrum. Are you crying now? I’m crying as I’m writing this. When I greet you again, will you wash away my tears the way Jesus is washing away your tears now?

You are free, Pawpaw. You are no longer fighting the battle against cancer. You are truly an inspiration. You are truly the one I will always weep for. You are the one man who will always hold a place in my heart. You are my hero – I love you.

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