she still sleeps with the light on

“She fools all of her friends into thinking she’s so strong,
but she still sleeps with the light on,
and she acts like it’s alright on,
as she smiles again…

and he cries but you rarely see him do it
and he loves but he’s scared to use it
and he hides behind the music
’cause he likes it that way.”

I sometimes wonder about myself. I’ve gotten so good at putting up walls (I’m reminded of the song “some walls” here.. “But if there’s any hope for love at all, some walls must fall).

I’ve perfected the act of putting up walls. I’ve perfected the act of acting like I’m fine – smile on face, while inside my heart is breaking. True, the one closest to me generally see through it, but it scares me how GOOD I am at it. I’ve fooled therapists, doctors, friends, all into thinking I’m fine, even myself at times.

Why do I do this?
It doesn’t help anyone.
Not me, not them, not you, not me.

But yet, it’s what’s comfortable. It’s what’s safe. It’s what I’ve done for years. It’s where I fit – safe inside walls that keep the real me hidden. For I’m afraid if I’m open about my past, people will judge me. Logical Psychology Major Nora says “You stupidface, you’d never tell a client that stuff is their fault. How are you any different?”

But Hurting, Scared Nora says “Of course it’s different for you. You were there. You know what happened. You know if you acted different, this wouldn’t have happened.”

Logical Psychology Nora says “You had no control. People want to know what your childhood was like, not just the glorified version, not just the good parts you tell.”
Hurting, Scared Nora cowers at the thought.

And yet, if I had a client who was like me, I’d urge them to be open with their friends, their therapist, the ones they are close to. But since it’s myself I’m dealing with… everything is totally different. It doesn’t matter, because Hurting, Scared Nora always wins over Psychology Nora.

Really need to work on changing that… but how do you tear down walls that took all those years to build up?

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