“Is it true what I heard about the Son of God?
Did He come to save, did He come at all?
And if I dried His feet with my dirty hair
Would He make me clean again?”
– Bright Eyes, “I Don’t Know When But A Day Is Gonna Come.
I suppose it’s healthy in the life of a Christian (or, I reckon this could be expanded to the atheist or to the agnostic or any religion, really) to have wonders about what they believe. However, be it healthy or be it even good in the long run, it’s still frustrating to be trapped in doubt. But at times I feel that if here at a Christian college, if I admit to not having my act together, what that means to everyone else. Does it mean I’m not a good enough Christian? Does that mean that everyone is passing judgment calls on me, for not having my act perfectly together?
I’ll be frank – I struggle with viewing God as a father. For to me, a father is someone who hurts you. And trying to view a perfect, omni-everything being as that is a struggle. Does that make me a bad Christian, though? I can view God as Comforter, Saviour, Redeemer, and Friend, but I just cannot grasp the concept of Him as a Father.
I feel that sometimes when I express this to people at Northwestern that this is how I feel, that I’m somehow magically not a good enough Christian, because of things that happened in my past that were beyond my control that would taint anyone’s view. I feel that people think I’m not a good enough Christian, because of Horrible Bad Things that happened to me, and would shake up the faith of nearly anyone.
But really, instead of passing judgment calls on someone who’s been hurt beyond measure, instead of just saying “Well, the Bible says that God is your father and you should believe it”, why not reach out? Give hope? Give love?
I struggle with this. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever heal to the point where I can view God as a Father. Will I?
And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he’s needy
Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough
Switchfoot – “Let That Be Enough.”